Soul Reaver 2: Return of the Parody
by OrpheumZero
Summary: Come on, come all, the final chapter is up, Raziel tracks down the Sarafan, and randomness ensues! Singing! Dancing! And maybe a few blattent ripoffs, enjoy!
1. Chapter 1: The parody continues

Soul Reaver 2: Return of the Parody.  
  
Me: Hello and welcome, I'm glad many of you liked my first installment, and a few of you liked the little New Year's one. Well here it is the sequel to my first parody.  
  
Raziel: Am I doomed to play out these parodies forever?  
  
Me: Hmmm.Yes.  
  
Raziel: DAMN!  
  
Me: Oh get over it, I'm gonna do a Blood Omen parody.  
  
Raziel: Yay!  
  
Me: Shut-up and go get ready.  
  
(Raziel leaves.)  
  
Me: Here it is, part.1! YAY! (Fireworks go off and trumpets blare and a large crowd cheers, and confetti falls.)  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
(We see Raziel enter the Chronoplast chamber and survey the surroundings.)  
  
Raziel: Weren't the doors larger last time?  
  
(Out of nowhere, Kain steps out and speaks.)  
  
Kain: At last. I must say I'm disappointed in Eidos. I imagined the game would be out sooner, oh well. Tell me - did it trouble you to murder your brothers?  
  
(Raziel descends the stairs while keeping his eyes on Kain.)  
  
Raziel: Not really, did it trouble you when you order me into the abyss?  
  
(Kain responds with ironic laughter, which goes on for many minutes.  
  
Kain: HAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Raziel: Uh. are you done yet?  
  
Kain: *Still chuckling* hold on a sec.  
  
(Stops laughing and speaks.)  
  
Kain: *Clears throat* Eternity is very, very, very, very, very, very long time, Raziel. When I first bought this chamber, centuries ago, I did not fathom the true importance of brochures.  
  
(He walks over to one of the switches and turns it.)  
  
Kain: To know the future, Raziel - to see its paths and windows tracing out into the Internet. As a man, I could never of contained such forbidden, that Vorador screams like a girl. But each of us is so much more than we once were, especially you, no lower jaw and stomach and all. Do you not feel with all of your soul and Spidey sense how we have become gods? And as such, are we not indivisible? As long as a single one of us stands, we are legion.  
  
(He descends the stairs while saying this and heads towards the second dial, he continues.)  
  
Kain: Our futures are scripted - Moebius foretold mine aeons ago otherwise I was going to give him a nuggy. We each play out the parts the writers have written for us. Free will is major BS.  
  
(He turns the dial as he finishes, Raziel glares at him from the floor of the chamber.)  
  
Raziel: I found the tomb of Sarafan, Kain. How could you profane a priest by turning him into a vampire?!  
  
(He says this as he launches him self at Kain, whose about to grab him, but misses and Raziel slams face first into the wall.)  
  
Raziel: Ow.  
  
Kain: *Holding back laughter* Goof.  
  
Raziel: Shut up!  
  
(He gets up and jumps at Kain, who manages to catch him this time.)  
  
Kain: Where were we? Oh yeah. How could I not? One must keep his friends close, Raziel - and a gun even closer.  
  
(He throws Raziel to the floor without any effort, he then jumps down and continues to speak while approaching him.)  
  
Kain: Who better to serve me than those whose passion for Baseball transcends all notions of Football?  
  
(Raziel picks him self up and wheels around to face Kain.)  
  
Raziel: The Sarafan were Saviors, defending Nosgoth from Barney and Carebears. My eyes or at least these contacts are opened Kain - I find no warranty on that sports car you so rudely forced on my unwilling corpse!  
  
(He attacks Kain and manages to hit him a few times, he then pins him against the wall and raises his claw as if to stab him.)  
  
Kain: You may have uncovered your past but you know nothing of it, except that you were Sarafan but that's all. You think the Sarafan were noble, had a sense of sports?  
  
(He knocks Raziel hands away and propels him across the room with a telekinetic blast, he then laughs.)  
  
Kain: *Chuckles* Oh don't be simple. Their agenda was the same as ours.  
  
(He turns and hits the final switch, the portal flares to life with a new and cool effect than the original one from the first game.)  
  
Kain: You nearly had me Raziel.  
  
Raziel: When?  
  
Kain: Just now.  
  
Raziel: Damn.  
  
(Kain then teleports to the entrance of the portal and continues to speak.)  
  
Kain: .But this not where - or how - it ends. The game is beginning and it promises more twist before this plot unfolds completely.  
  
(He then steps threw the portal and vanishes, Raziel glares in anger and then leaps up to the foot of the portal, he summons the Reaver and eyes the portal.)  
  
Raziel: hmm, no Elder God..SWEET!  
  
(He runs in the portal and soon is transported to a strange room, as the special effects fade, Moebius enters.)  
  
Raziel: Hello there Gaymoe.  
  
Moebius: I'M NOT GAY!  
  
(He clears his throat and then says.)  
  
Moebius: Raziel. Blue zombie thing and home wrecker. Prawn and Messiah. Welcome, freeze-dried soul. Welcome. to ALL MY DESTINIES!  
  
Raziel: Come again?  
  
Moebius: Oh, uh I mean you Destiny.  
  
Raziel: Right.  
  
(He does that little glare as the really cool cg ends.)  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
Me: Well how'd you all like it?  
  
Raziel: I will one day have my revenge.  
  
Me: Sure you will.  
  
(Raziel scowls and then storms off.)  
  
Me: Well please review and I will give you each a Morph- blade, a hilt that can change into any type of weapon you want! Except guns. Plus I'll even leave Moebius in a small cage for you all to massacre.  
  
Moebius: *from somewhere* WHAT?!?  
  
SEE YOU ALL IN PART 2! 


	2. Chapter 2: Gay time streamers and twin r...

Soul Reaver 2 - Chapter 2: A gay time-streamer and a Reaver convergence.  
  
Me: I'm glad to see that pt.1 was a success.  
  
Raziel: How long is this one gonna be?  
  
Me: probably twice as long as the first.  
  
Raziel: NOOO!  
  
Me: *Mocking* YEESSS!  
  
Raziel: AH I'm gonna go get something to eat.  
  
(He walks off.)  
  
Me: I'm also glad to see you all love the Morph-blade. Here. Let me show a demonstration of its true power.  
  
(I remove the hilt from my the little slot attached to my belt and concentrate, a giant axe blade sprouts forth and then I swing it at long line of statues, all of them shatter in a matter of moments.)  
  
Kain: DAMN!  
  
Me: Exactly.  
  
(The shattered remains blow away in the wind.)  
  
Me: Well that's enough time wasted, let's get this parody started.  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
(We see Raziel and Moebius in the time streaming chamber, Raziel glares at Moebius.)  
  
Moebius: "Where Am I?" is the cliché question. In your sorry ass case, "When?" might be more apt.  
  
(Raziel then remember how much of a jackass Moebius is and raises the Reaver, ready to strike the old manipulator. Just as he is about to do so, the orb on Moebius' staff flares and the wraith blade sputters out and retracts.)  
  
Raziel: Ah dammit, I just changed the light bulb last week.  
  
Moebius: Uh actually, I think it was my staff, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Oh uh, fine you old snake - if you prefer I kick your ass with my bare hands.  
  
(He lunges at Moebius and grabs him by his throat, Moebius tries to act surprised.)  
  
Moebius: This is completely unexpected! This orb is used to beat the crap out of our vampire and Carebear enemies while it also disables them. Apparently it seems to have the same affect on that particular weapon of yours. But you must believe me - I mean you no harm.  
  
Raziel: You can drop the bull plop façade, Moebius. I know who - and what - you are. I should kill you where you stand.  
  
(Moebius chuckles at this; he is now stern and no longer fearful.)  
  
Moebius: Perhaps you should, my Smurf. But you don't.  
  
(Raziel tightens his grip on Moebius' throat.)  
  
Raziel: Are you so certain of that, Jackass?  
  
(Moebius seems unafraid by this threat.)  
  
Moebius: My role as lawyer and time guardian affords me free meals at Burger King and a certain level of Omniscience, Raziel. No, you don't kill me. That honor belongs to your maker, Kain, some thirty years from now.  
  
(Raziel releases his grip, with disgust.)  
  
Raziel: Hmph. You two are a pair - You're as much an ass as he is.  
  
Moebius: *Laughing softly* Death comes for us all, Raziel, and there's noting you can do about it! XD  
  
Raziel: Whatever.  
  
(Moebius then turns and exits the chamber, Raziel follows.)  
  
Raziel: How the hell do you know my name? We've never met.  
  
Moebius: On the contrary, Raziel - I know you very well. And it amuses uh I mean grieves me to see how cruelly Kain has used you, dressing you up as a Girl Scout when you nine. I knew you when you were one of the Sarafan Brotherhood, Raziel. We were even close.  
  
Raziel: O.o Again I say. Hello Gaymoe.  
  
Moebius: Fortunately, you need not love me now to be my ally.  
  
Raziel: That'll be a snowballs chance in hell.  
  
(He follows Moebius into the main chamber, the walls show murals of the six Guardian members who were slaughtered centuries ago. The Guardians are depicted in a beatific imagery, while their murderer, Vorador, is demonic. In the center is a basin, engraved with arcane symbols.)  
  
Raziel: Are we in the stronghold of the Sarafan priesthood?  
  
Moebius: No, we're in the twilight zone.  
  
Raziel: Don't make me kill you.  
  
Moebius: I mean yes we are, but the days of glory are gone, the Bowling trophy has been lost and the tournament has long since past, I'm afraid this is a more. boring age. My mercenary army now inhabits this place, besides the rent fee is so cheap. We strive to honor the memory of the Sarafan, and one-day reclaim the CUP! Oh and uh continue the crusade and crap like that.  
  
(Raziel studies the murals, intrigued.)  
  
Raziel: Who's this?  
  
Moebius: Vorador duh!  
  
Raziel: No this!  
  
(He points to some thing written in black in the corner of one the pictures depicting Vorador and a Guardian, it reads: EL BARTO.)  
  
Moebius: O.o Dammit, I told Jerry to make sure the door was locked last night.  
  
Raziel: Ahem. Vorador.  
  
Moebius: Oh yeah, Yes the scourge of the circle, the most evil and terrible of his whole degenerate race.  
  
Vorador: *From the ceiling* Don't forget Handsome too!  
  
Moebius and Raziel: O.o  
  
(Vorador vanishes.)  
  
Moebius: OK, anyway, he slaughtered six of my fellow members as they coward, defenseless in this room.  
  
Raziel: And somehow you survived this massacre?  
  
Moebius: HEY! I said Ariel; Nuraptor and me were out for a poker game.  
  
Raziel: Yeah sure.  
  
Moebius: Oh shut-up.  
  
Raziel: Can skip ahead a little?  
  
Moebius: Fine.  
  
(He flips a switch on the side of the basin, the water stirs and an image forms it then fizzles a little.)  
  
Moebius: Damn cheap Prime-basins! The Water-view sucks! I knew I should have upgraded to Direct Portal when I got the call offer.  
  
(He kicks the thing several times until the image focuses and Kain is seen, steering like an idiot at the Pillars.)  
  
Raziel: The Pillars are still standing?  
  
(During the conversation, we see Kain pull out jump rope and starts to play.)  
  
Moebius: Yep, at least for thirty more years, they are the embodiment of the world's health and junk like that. Kain is the one on which that may change or not. I believe you have been to the wasteland he made. Kain's very existence is a cancer upon this world, kill him go to him and end this.  
  
(The image wavers out, but not before we see Kain strangling a vampire hunter with the nylon rope and laughing insanely.)  
  
Moebius: PIECE OF CRAP! Oh well, you may never be human again-blah-blah-blah, you know that crap already. You'll need to find a way out, and in that, I can not help you, my men will not understand you appearance here, they will try to kill you. But you're too strong and stuff, just try to keep the body count down to a minimal, but - do what you have to do.  
  
All great movements require a few martyrs.  
  
(He vanishes, leaving Raziel to explore freely.)  
  
Raziel V.O: Alone now, I surveyed the place and noticed how cool looking it was, just as great as the first games world. I noticed a second Time Streaming Chamber, it's entrance identical to the first, except It had a huge-ass crystal hanging above it that could only be open by some ability the reaver can posses, odd. Well time to go exploring and killing.  
  
(He makes an exit; he soon encounters a Vampire hunter.)  
  
Vampire hunter: To arms the unholy ones approach!  
  
(Raziel stops several feet from the hunter.)  
  
Hunter: The scourge is upon us!  
  
Raziel: Then I won't come any closer.  
  
Hunter: Back to hell with you!  
  
Raziel: Sorry I was just there on vacation a month ago.  
  
Hunter: Really? What's it like?  
  
Raziel: I'll show.  
  
Hunter: Thanks, I al-  
  
(Is cut off as Raziel impales him. He then devours the hunter's soul.)  
  
Raziel: Hmm. Kinda tangy.  
  
(He continues on, killing loads of humans who were in the area and soon enters a corridor with large stained glass windows.)  
  
Raziel V.O: Throughout the stronghold I discovered evidence of my former nobility and my life as a Sarafan priest/Redsocks fan and a few incriminating photos of Moebius that I could use later if that gag makes another move. This was the heritage so foully stolen from me when Kain raided my sacred crypt and defiled me.  
  
(He then enters the main hall; the reaver begins to slowly return.)  
  
Raziel V.O: Away from the influence of that Homo's cursed staff, I could feel the strength of the Soul Reaver slowly returning. If that orb was a debilitating to Vampires and Carebears as it was to the blade, it meant I was really screwed. I finally knew why his crusade was successful, if he could immobilize his enemies, they were at his mercy. But why, I wondered, did the staff have any effect on the Reaver?  
  
(He then fights some more jackass hunters and soon makes it to the Choir area, where William's chapel lay.)  
  
Raziel V.O: As I neared the stronghold's inner sanctum, a strange sensation crept over me - a voice told me to sing Folk songs and dress like a woman, I resisted and soon regained control, then an odd sense of vertigo over came me as reality itself seemed to be drunk off it's ass. The disturbance came from the furthest chapel. As I neared it, the weird breathy sensation became faster and greater.  
  
(He enters the barred chapel and sees a stained glass window depicting King William the Just and Kain's battle, Raziel stares in confusion as the depiction of Kain strolls over to William and gives him a nuggy. Raziel then sees at the sarcophagus of William.)  
  
Raziel V.O: So this was the tomb of the beloved King William the Just - entombed in a coffin with his image on it, immortalized as the martyr and catalyst for Moeby-dickheads crusade. I was reminded of Kain's journey as a weak cliché looking vampire. How Moebius coerced him to travel back in history and kicked the crapped out of William, thus screwing the whole vampire race over, at least until he damned the world and made us.  
  
(He enters the chapel and stops near the sarcophagus, which he realizes is an alter, the Reaver is laid out upon it, held lightly in the carving of William's hands, the blade is in two pieces.)  
  
Raziel V.O: So this is what the displacement is being caused by - the Soul Reaver itself, laid out some freaking holy thingy.and broken, either from when Kain and William fought, or maybe William was just a stupid klutz. I did not think such a thing was possible. Of course there was the time when that jackass Kain busted the thing over my head.  
  
(He says this as he rubs a tiny bump on his; he then looks at his right hand.)  
  
Raziel: Hey weren't my claws white, not blue like me?  
  
(He gives up on that little wonder and continues with more voice-overs.)  
  
Raziel V.O: Thus the spirit in the blade was released, yah da yah da. you all know this already.  
  
(Mesmerized by the Reaver's presence here, he reaches out to the blade; and as if by sympathetic response, the wraith blade manifests itself on its own.)  
  
Raziel V.O: And so the Reaver met its former self-  
  
Wraith blade: Hey, I'm you freed from the blade.  
  
Sword: Cool, what number am I thinking of?  
  
WB: 67.  
  
Sword: Cool you are me.  
  
(Raziel continues on, not noticing this.)  
  
Raziel: - still imprisoned this metal shell. I watched like an idiot, mesmerized, as the blade uncoiled itself, and snaked down the length of the physical blade.  
  
(As it passes over the hilt, Raziel's hand quickly clamps onto the blade. The Reaver has made him its bitch.)  
  
Raziel: HEY! I'm no ones bitch!  
  
(The sword whacks itself against his head.)  
  
Raziel: OW.  
  
(He gives up and goes on.)  
  
Raziel V.O: Embracing its twin, yah da yah da.. Its long- dormant spirit was now fully aroused. EWWW! And for the first time, I was aware of the entity and so on and so forth. Then the Reaver was in full command, it made sing sweating' to the oldies and such, also leeched some of my life to restore its former self.  
  
(He watches as the Reaver draws his soul-energy into the blade. The two halves come together and fuse back to perfection. Just before he is drained completely it relents and soon, Raziel regains control.)  
  
Raziel V.O: But it knew better to destroy its host - just as I was on the verge of oblivion it released its hold on me. As I recovered, I realized that the blade was no longer my symbiotic weapon, but more of a free loading soul sucking parasite. Competing for control. What a bitch.  
  
(He then wheels around on Moebius, who has been watching with fascination. He's really pissed.)  
  
Raziel: WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE NOW YOU PRICK! Is this your trap?  
  
Moebius: *apprehensive* What!? Why is it that every time I appear I'm blamed for someone's misfortune? Don't forget it was Kain who led you here, not I! While you threaten to kick my ass - the only soul in Nosgoth ready to make you a Movie star - Kain Laughs at our folly and revels in your dismay.  
  
(Raziel raises the intertwined blades threateningly; Moebius cowers and whimpers like a little girl.)  
  
Raziel: These blades now coiled in sinister embrace have scared the $#*T out of creatures far more durable than you, old fart. Bound together, I wonder what they would do to your soul.  
  
Moebius: *Whimpesly* NO! Don't kill me! I only wanted to help.  
  
Raziel: bulls**t. Why you're trembling, pansy. You made a big mistake leaving you staff behind.  
  
Moebius: It was to prove I wouldn't trick you. While you threaten me, Kain is eluding you.  
  
Raziel: Don't concern yourself with him he'll join you in hell soon enough. As you said death comes to us all.  
  
(He raises the blades, ready to kill Moebius.)  
  
Moebius: Yes, the wheel of fortune demands it.  
  
(This makes Raziel stop a moment.)  
  
Raziel: What did you?  
  
Moebius: The wheel of fate.  
  
Raziel: Oh.  
  
Moebius: We both serve the same god.  
  
(He then gets cocky.)  
  
Moebius: If you kill me, I'll get him to open a can Smite on your ass!  
  
(Raziel throws the reaver away in disgust.)  
  
Raziel: I tire of your game, now that I know you scared of me I'll be leaving. Kain is waiting.  
  
Moebius: Go! Kick his ass in the name of our god. You, who were once a Sarafan priest - murdered kill -  
  
Raziel: Oh shut up.  
  
(He turns and exits; Moebius closes the gate and turns around.)  
  
Moebius: By my soul, you almost had me. But that is the only chance you'll get, my little sexy assassin.  
  
(Raziel hears only that line and runs like hell from the room.)  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
Me: Sorry it took so long, I had a sore throat and cold on Tuesday and Wednesday. I promise to get pt.3 out much sooner.  
  
Raziel: And I promise to find a way to escape.  
  
(At this I knocked him out with a blow to the head.)  
  
Me: Shaddup!  
  
Please review and I will give boatloads, truckloads and planeloads of stuff. Plus free training with your Morph- Blades.  
  
Bye! 


	3. Chapter 3: Pillars, Trains and Elder squ...

Soul Reaver 2 - Chapter 3: The meeting at the Pillars and the return of the Elder God  
  
Me: Good to see everyone loves all of parodies, so, THANK YOU! Oh, and Angel-Chan, I'm better now, thanks for the concern.  
  
Raziel: I will have my revenge for your parodying my adventures!  
  
Me: Oh, give it a rest.  
  
Kain: How could you ridicule my exploits as well?  
  
Me: Because I wanted to.  
  
Kain: Bah!  
  
(He storms off.)  
  
Raziel: Are we almost close to finish?  
  
Me: Nope, still quite a few more Chapters to go.  
  
Raziel: NO!  
  
Me: YES!  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
(Raziel had just ran like mad from the chapel and hid behind a Pillar.)  
  
Raziel: Man is that coot Gay!  
  
(Suddenly Moebius appear next to him.)  
  
Moebius: I am not!  
  
Raziel: That's what they all say.  
  
Moebius: Who?  
  
Raziel: Them.  
  
(He points to two guys over near the giant doors.)  
  
Them: Hey.  
  
They: How ya' doin'  
  
Moebius: O.o. I'm not GAY!  
  
(He vanishes, crying like a pansy.)  
  
Raziel V.O: I could now summon the reaver at will, reaver goes on, reaver goes off, but once it was summoned, could not control its hunger. It devoured the souls of its enemies and the occasional fried chicken. but if it gorged itself too much, it would become over-aroused, EWW! And would turn its hunger on me. Ain't that a bitch?  
  
(He renters the chapel and looks over at the picture displaying the death of Janos Audron.)  
  
Raziel: So this was the legendary Janos Audron - said to have the oldest living being since that jar of pickles was found in the sanctuaries fridge. According to drunken ramblings, he lived high in Nosgoth's northern mountains, terrorizing the humans. His reign of terror ended when the Sarafan hunted him down and kicked the crap out of him badly, they went as far as cutting his heart out. This came to be known as the 'heart of darkness'; it was said to restore vampiric unlife. The Sarafan kept it as kick ball and so it was guarded, less their enemies want it for their ball games.  
  
But I wondered was Janos really such a monster like he was depicted here, and I also wanted to know: HOW MANY FRICKEN HEARTS DOES HE HAVE?  
  
I guess I would have to wait, but was he really all that bad? Or was some licence by the Sarafan, by lionizing them and demonizing their enemies?  
  
(He then leaves and enters into the room that honors the Sarafan 'Saints'.)  
  
Raziel V.O: Weird how my history came full circle. This chapel, I realized, was not used for wild frat parties, but a shrine to my brethren, and myself, all of us, martyred here, and then so cruelly defiled when Kain he 'raided' our tomb. (He comes across a statue of himself.) And for the first time I beheld of my Sarafan self, memorized here, hmm they knew that I was special. It tickled me to see how cool I was once was, that hair is so stylist, and what a butt-ugly thingy I had become. And a profound sense of injury, of loss, of hunger and betrayal welled up in me, so Overwhelmingly I could barely contain it. All I wanted at this moment was to find Kain and give him a kick in the nuts.  
  
(He walks into the center of the room and two female vampire hunters drop out from above, but instead of landing on their feet, they crash into the ground, leaving holes in the shape of their bodies. Raziel shakes his head in embarrassment and heads up the steps near one of the pictures; he then makes his way to large doors. He opens them and for the first time sees the land of Nosgoth in its former glory.)  
  
Raziel V.O: I emerged, and for the first time, saw Nosgoth in its post hellhole state. A land overflowed with lots of life and hippies, and I knew that the crap hole I had left was nothing more than the corpse of Nosgoth, a lifeless lump bled dry from Kain's empire and numerous parties. This was the fragile world Kain sacrificed for a free meal and a hot, heedless of the profound cost. The sight only pissed me off further. I could tell the pillars lay north-west because I had read the script, and if Kain truly waited to confront me there, I would not disappoint him.  
  
(He then jumps off the balcony and swims toward a small mechanism; he jumps onto the surface and looks back to where he had jumped.)  
  
Raziel V.O: When I had just escaped, I knew I would have to return, but that would not be easy, the balcony was now out of my reach, I would have to find other means of entry.  
  
(He then spots the door to the light forge near the waterfall.)  
  
Raziel V.O: I did not possess the means to unlock this door, but the neat little symbol was the key.  
  
(He then sees the first of many checkpoints, as he walks past it, it sucks some of his energy.)  
  
Raziel V.O: Whoa! This must be some sort of energy sapper, or maybe it just a checkpoint that would revive me if I died in the spectral realm.  
  
(He then uses the device to open the gate and then swims through; he comes to the small clearing where one the save points lay.)  
  
Raziel V.O: I hoped to god that this was a save point and not one of those police prints things, I already have a record. *Recalls something he did once* By putting my hand on it so, I could leave a mark of my exploits and return here to continue my journey when I get bored and decide to watch TV.  
  
(He then makes his way through tons of Moebius' vampire hunters; he stops when he sees a group of dead vampires.)  
  
Raziel V.O: These guys had noting in common with the ass-ugly beast I left behind in Kain's derelict empire. They still seemed somewhat human, except they had claws and fangs and glowing eyes and dark powers, you get the idea. Apparently they were hunted mercilessly in this era and while I thought that Vampirism was a plaque and had to be stopped, I found nothing noble in this icky slaughter. This was simply an act of jackassery.  
  
(He is about to walk off when he suddenly hears voices; he turns around and sees the dead vampires conversing with one another.)  
  
Raziel: O.O  
  
Dead vamp #1: What's wrong friend?  
  
D. Vamp #2: Well I just can't believe my friends left me like that.  
  
D. Vamp #3: Don't worry chum, we'll be your new friends. You know what they always say:  
  
Always look on the bright side of life!  
  
(The dead vampires continue to sing, Raziel, confused, just blinks and slowly continues onto the Pillars, he opens the giant gate doors and enters into the clearing where the Pillars stood, he marveled at their beauty and then brought his gaze to someone who was not such a beauty, Kain, who was apparently oblivious to Raziel's presence, he was busy studying his Yu-Gi-Oh! Cards. Raziel began to slowly creep up behind Kain, but Kain had secretly placed a tiny thin wire across the platform, so Raziel tripped, Kain address him without turning his back.)  
  
Kain: I know your there, Raziel, you fell for my trap.  
  
Raziel: Dammit! I knew I should checked for booby traps, anyway, that old faggot led me here Kain, although my first thought was that you'd be at the local bar.  
  
(Kain keeps his back turned, only turning his head slightly.)  
  
Kain: And if Moebius told you I was hidden on the underside of hell, would you throw yourself into oblivion to follow me?  
  
Raziel: Nah, I'd take the subway.  
  
Kain: What subway?  
  
Raziel: That one.  
  
(He points to a subway entrance just to the left of the Pillars, on a sign next to it says: Train to Hell - 1:00pm.)  
  
Kain: O.o  
  
(Raziel brings attention back to him.)  
  
Raziel: I have pursued you here for one purpose - have you seen my car keys?  
  
Kain: Raziel, listen.NO ONE HAS SEEN YOUR DAMN KEYS!  
  
Raziel: Ok then, well I guess then I'm here to kill you, and uh, restore balance to Nosgoth.  
  
Kain: Who is satisfied then? Moebius or you?  
  
Raziel: Would I be better manipulated by you, Kain? Now turn and face me, the chase is over, your it.  
  
(Kain still keeps his back turned.)  
  
Kain: This isn't a chase, Raziel, we are meant to be here, we always have, and always will, unless a new team makes the third game and makes some confusing irrelevant things happen. We have been brought here for a reason. I have seen the end of this story, or at least up to this game's end, but it sucks, so we must change it.  
  
Raziel: *really pissed* Will you just f****** turn? You shouldn't die a wussies death.  
  
(Kain finally turns, having delayed enough.)  
  
Kain: Isn't it customary to grant the condemned a final request?  
  
Raziel: I recall no such courtesy from you.  
  
Kain: Indulge me.  
  
Raziel: I at least wanted one last Big Mac with some fries.  
  
(At this moment, an unearthly wailing begins to be audible, increasing in volume as it fills the clearing.)  
  
Kain: This is the moment of our undoing, Raziel - the thingy that our swings the entirety of our history or something. This is where is all of Nosgoth is screwed over.  
  
In this moment Ariel - the balance guardian - is murdered by dark forces bent on screwing people over and the Eagles lose going the super bowl. Her spirit is now hoping a ride here; you have seen how she comes to haunt this place.  
  
Raziel: Yeah, I do. *He recalls all the times she dropped stuff on him* She is bound here because of your selfish desire to live. You are the reason of everything that has happened. As long as you live you condemn Nosgoth to an eternity of decay and binge drinking.  
  
(Kain raises his hands gently to silence Raziel, and intently urges him.)  
  
Kain: Shut up for a second, Raziel. See this.  
  
(The sky darkens and the wind begins to gust, and birds scatter from the clearing in alarm.)  
  
PPPFFFTTT!  
  
Raziel: Oh did you fart?  
  
(A gust of greenish-brown wind, blasts threw the air, stunning Raziel and Kain with a very noxious smell.)  
  
Elder God: Phew! Those beans really hit the spot!  
  
Raziel and Kain: O.o  
  
Kain: That's not what was supposed to happen.  
  
(Suddenly a low, nearly sub-audible rumble, as though a massive storm is gathering, or that the stadium is in a riot. Kain continues with urgency.)  
  
Kain: As Ariel dies, and the Eagles return home, I am being born to take her place as Balance Guardian and chef. Such is my destiny.  
  
(Suddenly the clearing is rocked by an indescribable force - a telepathic blast burns across the landscape, trees are blown and cows fly by and with a thunderous rumble, and distorting waves of energy ripple across the clearing. Kain visibly tenses as he absorbs the onslaught of this psychic attack. The Pillars, finely polished and sparkling begin to crack and tarnish and corrode as they turn grey with corruption.)  
  
Raziel: .HOLY S#*%.  
  
(As the assault recedes, Kain speaks once more.)  
  
Kain: At the moment of my first cry, Ariel's beloved light bulb head - the Guardian Nuraptor - finds her corpse. Wracked with grief, giant bills and tormented with suspicions of treachery, Nuraptor goes wacko-psycho which overflows and infects of all the Guardians, who are symbiotically bound by contract. Including me. The reprocussions of Ariel's assassination were expertly calculated by nerds. The entire circle descends into weirdness, and I am tainted at the moment of my birth - Instantly rendered useless of ever achieving that one question: how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie-pop? Oh and fulfilling the role destiny has prepared for me, god that sucks.  
  
Raziel: Shall I show you the same mercy you showed the rest of the circle, that thing that would have involved a video of Britney Spears, then? You blithely murdered them to restore the Pillars, yet your hand quivered like a little girl when it came to the final sacrifice.  
  
Kain: HEY! I told Ariel I wasn't ready for commitment.  
  
Raziel: I mean the 'you dying' thing.  
  
Kain: Oh.  
  
Raziel: What makes you exempt, Kain? You're merely the last man standing. Why condemn me for simply carrying out what you hadn't the courage to do yourself?  
  
Kain: Let's drop that damn issue already, shall we? We both know there's altruism in this pursuit. Your stupid and reckless indignation led you here - I counted on it.  
  
(Kain folds his arms as he says this, he sees that Raziel is bristling at this insult.  
  
Kain: There's no shame in it, Raziel - wanting to kill Moebius and me is motivation enough. At least it's honest, in the sense of not regarding laws though. Hate me, but do it half-assley.  
  
(He then resumes his account of Nosgoth's history.)  
  
Kain: Thirty years hence, I am presented with a dilemma - let's call it a two-sided coin.  
  
Raziel: WHAT THE HELL THOSE THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!?  
  
Kain: Will you shut-up and let me finish? Ahem! If the coin falls one way, I kill my damn self and thus restore the Pillars. But as the last surviving vampire in Nosgoth, this would mean we're dead, gone, and no more. Moebius made sure of that. If the coin lands reverse, I keep on livin' and screw everyone else over, condemning the Pillars to an eternity of collapse. Either way, the game is rigged; damn Los Vegas is cheap.  
  
Raziel: We agree somewhat then that the Pillars are crucial, and must be restored?  
  
Kain: yep - that's about the size of it, we've come full- circle here to this place.  
  
Raziel: So after all this chitchat, you make my case for me. To end this stalemate you must die so some deadbeats Guardians can be born.  
  
Kain: The Pillars don't belong to them, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: They don't?  
  
(Kain gestures derisively, indicating humanity in general.)  
  
Kain: .They belong to us.  
  
Raziel: Come again?  
  
Kain: They're ours!  
  
Raziel: Oh, *Now acting disgusted* Your arrogance is not bounded, Kain.  
  
(Kain laughs softly.)  
  
Kain: there's a third option - a tippy-top monumental secret, hidden in your presence here. But it's a secret, so you'll have to figure it out yourself. Unearth your destiny, Raziel. It's all laid out for you here, use this shovel and get digging.  
  
(Hands Raziel a shovel which he puts down.)  
  
Raziel: But I thought coins had only two sides, are we talking about a real coin or a weird drawing of one?  
  
(Kain rolls his eyes in annoyance, then resumes his usual attitude.)  
  
Kain: Apparently so. But suppose you throw a coin over, and over, and over, and over enough times. .suppose one day, lands on its edge.  
  
(He then vanishes, leaving Raziel alone in the clearing, its quite silent.)  
  
Raziel: Hello? *Echoes* Echo! *Echoes* Now pitching for Denver, Manny Mota *Echoes*  
  
(He then reflects on the encounter with Kain.)  
  
Raziel V.O: I don't know why I just let that jerk escape me when I had pursued his damn ass for so long. I had no reason to trust Kain, not even with that 'trust' thing people do, after he had valued me so little, and yet, I was stupidly intrigued by his words. I had been screwed over many a time so gullibly his pawn, but if this world truly had some secrets to cough up, I was interested in what they were.  
  
(He then sees a passage behind the Pillars, but can't get to it, so he goes into Spectral and heads up the path, he meets the Sluagh there, and their new badder looking selves.)  
  
Raziel: Whoa! Looks like they have been bulking up on steroids.  
  
(He fights them and wins easily.)  
  
Raziel: Man they're still such pushovers.  
  
(He then goes Material and takes notice of the birds that he has been seeing sense leaving the lake.)  
  
Raziel V.O: From the my arrival I had the constant and palpable sensation of being watched, like there were these tiny cameras that were watching, and watching, and watching, someone, it seemed was keenly interested in my presence here.  
  
(He then uncovers an ancient sealed door that depicts a winged figure that looks almost like him.)  
  
Raziel: Hmm, needs a little more muscle, otherwise it's a spitting image of me.  
  
(He walks up to the door and uses the Reaver in the strange keyhole at the center.)  
  
Raziel V.O: Interesting that you find places that can only be opened by guys with no lower jaws or stomachs and has a giant soul sucky thingy on his arm, quite.  
  
(He then enters into the chamber as the giant door closes; he then traverses through, killing off Phantoms that jump from the crystals along the way he eventually enters into an underground grotto. The Pillars reached down into this chamber, intersecting a platform engraved with arcane symbols. Water surrounds the dais, and reflected light dapples the surrounding walls. Raziel walks along the platform, surveying the murals on the surrounding walls. He recognizes his own ragged form in these heroic figures, and holds up his, mentally comparing his anatomy to theirs. He's trying put the pieces together.)  
  
Raziel V.O: As I entered the chamber, I sensed that it had been sealed for hundreds - perhaps thousands - of years, due to the fact there was a fridge in the enjoinment room across from here and there was something that I think was a sandwich. I knew right off the bat that this room was built at the same time as the pillars were erected, I knew that no human with their weak frail girly hands could have shaped this place - and perhaps it never had been seen by human eyes.  
  
The surrounding murals depicted a winged race, their features kinda like my own - but beautiful, and really cool and badass looking, where mine grotesque. and angelic, while mine demonic. I tried to decipher these images, but it hurts my head, owie. .a great war, but these dudes were freaky looking, nothing I had seen before. .the pillars, raised by this awesome looking race, who thus kicked their enemies asses. .the winged beings again, writhing in agony, apparently because one of them was depicted singing songs by William Shatner songs. and throughout the chamber, inscribed everywhere, "Eat at Joe's'" signs and images of the Reaver itself. Was this what Kain had nagged me to discover? I wondered.are they the ones who gave all those fricken' hearts of darkness.  
  
(Suddenly an all too familiar voice echoes through the chamber.)  
  
Elder God: Lies, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: AAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
(Raziel, scared half to death leaps all the way up to the top of the chamber, slamming his head in its ceiling, then falling to the floor, breaking his neck in the process and sending him into the spectral.)  
  
Elder God: Oh, I knew I should have said "Welcome back, Raziel" Or even "We meet again" But nope I had to go do that.  
  
(He continues to complain while Raziel searches for a portal to the Material realm.)  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
Me: Well that wraps up another chapter, I'll be starting pt. 4 of this the BO2 parody soon, and may even make that 'Little Red Ridding Kain' story.  
  
Kain: That's absurd!  
  
Light in Dark places: Oh, but you would look so cute. ^__^  
  
Kain: O.O Hey get that away from me! AGH!  
  
(He runs off with Light chasing after, she is holding a red dress.)  
  
Me: Please review and I will give all an army of Moebius clone to slaughter anyway you wish.  
  
See you next chapter when Raziel has to sit through another of the Elder's boring speeches.  
  
Elder God: I'm not boring!  
  
Me: -_- Sure you aren't.  
  
Bye! I 


	4. Chapter 4: Return of the Elder's boring ...

Soul Reaver 2 - Chapter 4: The return of drunken Raziel and long boring speeches and a vampire who screams like girls.  
  
Me: It great to know that you people like my fictions, I am thinking of one or two song fics featuring LoK characters, and I may post one soon.  
  
Raziel: Can I be the lead singer.  
  
Me: Maybe, maybe not.  
  
(Moebius crawls up to me, looking sickly and beating from the hamster ball gift.)  
  
Moebius: Please, no more!  
  
(I pick him up by the collar and toss him into a room full of authors/authoresess who love to beat Moebius, like Fallen Templer and Concept.)  
  
Moebius: Please, NO!  
  
(Beating sounds can be heard as I close the door.)  
  
Moebius' voice: NO! MOMMIE! HELP!  
  
(Noises continue.)  
  
Me: Well on with the fiction!  
  
(I open the door and walk in.)  
  
Moebius' voice: O.O No, what are you doing with that! Please no, for the love of the Elder God! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *Echoes off*  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
(We come just as Raziel is seen shifting back into the material realm after breaking his neck from the scare of the Elder's voice.)  
  
Raziel: Ah my ancient 'benefactor'.. And I dared to hope to never see your ugly face again. Your silence was like a breath mint; it was refreshing, while it lasted. No doubt you have some lame ass excuse for being here?  
  
Elder God: Don't be an ass, Raziel. I am eternally present, while my green card is still valid - here and everywhere, now and until this sequel is over. I am still the center of the knitting wheel, the spindle of this world's destiny.  
  
Raziel: But perhaps not so omnipotent as you'd had me believe. Most badass God huh, yeah right. Your hold on me appears to be very little. I sure as hell don't need you, yet I'm guessing you still need me.  
  
EG: Well, really I just need you to get my groceries, oh and uh kill Kain. This impudence is unworthy of you, huh? What the hell does that mean, oh well. Do not forget you have a task to fulfil here. Get my dang groceries! You are indebted to me.  
  
Raziel: Indebted? What the hell do you mean! I didn't ask for this 'gift' you bestowed. Do you forget that you forced me to inhabit this vile carcass -  
  
EG: - Ugh, well, I restored you so there! XD It was Kain who messed you up. The very enemy who you just let go Scott free. Do not fail me, my monkey.  
  
Raziel: Monkey?  
  
EG: I mean Servant!  
  
Raziel: Uh, I serve no one - not you, not Kain, not the giant squirrel -  
  
EG: *While Raziel is going on* Giant Squirrel?  
  
Raziel: - And certainly no you lackey Moebius.  
  
EG: Moebius is my good servant, I have five or so more.  
  
Raziel: And if I tell Moebius that he's worshipping a giant squid, do you think his faith will falter?  
  
EG: Not as long as I have this incriminating photo of him.  
  
(A tentacle pops out of the water and shows Raziel the pictures; Raziel's eyes widen in horror and revulsion.)  
  
Raziel: O.o/@.@ Please, take it away!  
  
(Begins to gag at the sight on those photos.)  
  
EG: You have grown willful, Raziel. But beware - to embrace a serpent is to invite one hell of a painful bite and poison too. Kain is a sinuous beast; he will seduce and deceive you. -  
  
Raziel: - That doesn't sound right! I harbor no illusion of his integrity, not even Bush's. In fact, I am beset by manipulation on all sides. I merely seek the truth.  
  
EG: These are the fathomless truths, Raziel: The agony of hearing Bush go on and on, oh and the crap about birth, death and rebirth - this is the wheel of Fate, the dry cycle which sustains all life. Carebears are an abomination, oh and vampires too, a plaque which leeches this land of its spiritual strength and its muffin supply. They obstruct the flow of life and death - their souls stagnate in their wretched corpses. But the wheel must turn; death is inexorable and annoying and cannot be denied. Your destiny is irresistible, Raziel - blah blah blah.-  
  
(A/N: You all know what's happened.)  
  
EG: - Kain's blood and squandered lunch money belongs on your - Dammit Raziel not again!  
  
Raziel: *Snoring*  
  
(A brick hits him from above.)  
  
Raziel: OW! Oh, hehehe, sorry. Uh, Kain indeed deserves to die, for condemning me to this butt-ugly form, and giving me that sports car. But if and when I kill him, with a mallet, it will be for me, alone, to decide, alone.  
  
EG: You added an extra 'alone' there.  
  
Raziel: Oh well.  
  
EG: Whatever. Kain destroyed you without a flicker of remorse. He tore the soul from your noble corpse, and after you had served him faithfully for a thousand years, he kicked your ass and threw you into the abyss on a jealous whim. Remember your rage, Raziel - let it guide your hand.  
  
Raziel see ya!  
  
(He jumps into the water.)  
  
EG: Do not fail me. Your destiny beckons. Destroy Kain. You would be wise to heed me, Raziel. Tread carefully, Raziel. I like bagels. I'm a dentist.  
  
Raziel: O.o What the hell are you going on about?!?  
  
EG: *Like GIR from Invader Zim* I have no idea!  
  
(Raziel sighs and suddenly spots a little door on the under side of the platform.)  
  
Raziel: Hey, what's this?  
  
(He opens it and finds a bottle, not just any bottle though.)  
  
Raziel: Oh cool! Booze!  
  
EG: Hey that's my last bottle.  
  
Raziel: Screw you!  
  
(He sticks the bottle in his cowl, and swims out of the chamber, the Elder pulls out a list *Under water, Huh?!?!?!* and a pen.)  
  
EG: One bottle of scotch.  
  
(We see Raziel exit from the water and heads out, fighting the weird phantoms and such along the way.)  
  
Raziel V.O: I surfaced into a very different landscape, no gay-time streamers in sight. YES! No light reached here due to the thick canopy of this forest, or maybe because the programmers decided on a crappy dreary sky instead. Here I discovered an ancient ruin, unmistakably one of Moebius' Time Streaming/Law office chambers, but long ago sealed and abandoned due to Hash's free offer of Bagels when he took a case. I didn't currently possess the means to break this seal, and my handy-dandy bazooka was somewhere in the future at my clan territory.  
  
(He pulls out the bottle and examines it.)  
  
Raziel: Oh, Janos Audron era, that's a good year.  
  
(He opens the bottle and takes a swig, and another, and another.)  
  
**10 minutes later**  
  
(Raziel is drunk as a, uh, as a, well drunken vampire whose drunk.)  
  
Raziel: Fhjafhdjfjk. (*Translation* WHEE! I'm drunk like some drunken dude!)  
  
(He continues on and soon reaches that big door, he turns to see who has been following him, and it's Vorador.)  
  
Raziel: Ghhkjajfjkjfj! (*Translation* Look, it's the Grinch who stole Christmas!)  
  
*A/N: Does anyone other than me think Vorador looks like the Grinch? *  
  
(At this, Vorador gives a confused look, blinks, blinks again, and then vanishes. Raziel then made his way to that area where the blocked path is.)  
  
Raziel V.O: Gahfav thcvine balsac d asfs Geh, hfajhfahfjhjkjh. (*Translation* What the hell is he saying?!?)  
  
(He then kills all of the vampire hunters, who are unable to harm, having never encountered a vampire who's as drunk as Kain on one of his weekly binges. He soon makes it to the Balcony where Vorador had just been.)  
  
Raziel V.O: Gah, ah heehaw jjakjfklj fjakjfkjakl. (*Translation* I really have no idea what on earth he just said.)  
  
(He stumbles about and accidentally, well to his intoxicated mind it is, sticks the reaver in the keyhole/locked of the Dark Forge.)  
  
Raziel: HGJKFDH! (*Translation* AHHH! IT'S EATING MY HAND! AHHHHH!) (A/N: O.o, o.o, -.-)  
  
Readers (You and the other people reading this.): O.o, o.o, -.-  
  
(The doors open and he stumbles in.)  
  
*A/N: I'm gonna skip a head a little and just let Raziel receive the Dark Reaver, I can't afford it if he's arrested and gets a S.P.U.I *Solving Puzzles while Under Intoxication*  
  
(Raziel stumbles about the Forge and kills the zombies and admires the murals.)  
  
Raziel: Gah hehe fah, tjajj. (*Translation* Hey look, these dude have wings, like me, they look like birdies.)  
  
Me: -.- Why do I let him drink?  
  
(He then stumbles into the main forge room, which I activated so as to save our drunken Hero the time. He gets close and the reaver uncoils on it's own and draws him close to it, it then plunges itself into the hole/forge font. The really cool special effects play and Raziel is lifted off his feet.)  
  
Raziel: Fhakjhfjh! (*Translation* Hey look, I can fly!)  
  
Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z: *Pops in out of nowhere* What is he on!?! *Pops out*  
  
(Raziel then looks at the new reaver, and looks, and looks, and looks, then grumbles, and looks, then gets bored and walks out, he passes by the first of the lit dark fonts.)  
  
Raziel: Hfjsjfkljafjf! (*Translation* Hey lookie it's a toilet!)  
  
Me: *Appears for a second and slaps him silly *: No you stupid drunk it's a font you can use to make the reaver have dark properties when it's changed back to normal. *Disappears*  
  
(Raziel just blinks in drunken confusion and then heads out of the forge, as he opens the door, which took him about two hours since he's so drunk he couldn't see straight, he is now less intoxicated and can now speak, or at least saw real words. Vorador is leaning against the pillar, apparently waiting for him to come out.)  
  
Vorador: About time, you must be really drunk for it to take you so long to open that door, I could have at least counted you saying the 'S' word at least ninety times. You're a ragged excuse for savior.  
  
Raziel: The Grinch! *Points at Vorador*  
  
Vorador: Ugh, right, I see my reputation proceeds me.  
  
Raziel: It does, you big green cat person.  
  
Vorador: -.- All good, I hope.  
  
(He then proceeds to walk around Raziel, examining his odd features. He studies his cloven clawed hands - so like his own - his blue skin, his ragged wings, his apparent drunken stupor. Raziel stands, a little wobbly, and allows Vorador to look him over.)  
  
Vorador: I've been watching you since you emerged from that accursed stronghold. Strange that your arrival from Pittsburgh coincide with the failure of the Eagle, oh and with the corruption of the pillars. But I'm wondering - are you the catalyst of these events, or are you answer to them?  
  
Raziel: *Like GIR in that one episode of Invader Zim* Wha?!?  
  
Vorador: I will speak plainly, then. I distrust your origins, your cowl, stranger. Seeing you crawl from the putrid depths Moebius' keep makes me question your purpose here. And the hell should I make of your appearance? Not human, duh! - and more demon than vampire -  
  
Raziel: Well you're not very vampire looking yourself, Mr. Whisker chins.  
  
Vorador: Oh shut up. Any way, - and the pillars, it is no mere coincidence blah de blah de pillars' decay blah. So I ask plainly: Are you the instrument of the pillars' destruction, or their salvation?  
  
Raziel: I am a Smurf.  
  
Vorador: O.o *Slightly annoyed* Very well, let us look at the other side of the coin -  
  
Raziel: Is this the same coin Kain talked about?  
  
Vorador: Who?  
  
Me: He hasn't met Kain yet you twit!  
  
Vorador: ugh, getting back the point, I followed your journey, blahblahblah, and yada yada unlocked secrets locked for thousands of years. The path you've been treading is open to only one being.  
  
(He trails off, Raziel waits, Vorador's gaze is still trailed off.)  
  
Raziel: hello *hic* earth to *hic* Vorador *hic* *hic*  
  
(He lightly shakes Vorador.)  
  
Vorador: *Screams like a girl from shock* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!  
  
Raziel: GAAAAHHH! O.O  
  
Me: O.O  
  
Readers: O.O  
  
Vorador: Oh, uh sorry, where was I? You don't what you are, do you?  
  
Raziel: I have beEn *hic* many things. I remember once being a McDonald's worker.  
  
*Flashback*  
  
(We see Raziel dressed in a McDonald's outfit with headset on and hold an order by the drive-by window, a person drives up and he hands them the food and they give him the money.)  
  
Human customer in car: Hey, where's the free Soul Reaver Raziel toy with block puzzle!?!  
  
Raziel: *Eye twitches* What did you say?  
  
HCC: I said where's the toy with the block puzzle?  
  
Raziel: I'LL KILL YOU! I HATE BLOCK PUZZLES!!! @.@ *Foam starts to sprout from cowl.*  
  
(Raziel proceeds to strangle the Human as we see the scene shift back to him and Vorador.)  
  
*UnFlashback*  
  
Vorador: O.o *Simply chuckles and turns in disgust and confusion at the flash back* What's the point, this world is beyond redemption, ever since Barney the Dinosaur moved in Meridian.  
  
*Quick pan to Meridian with Barney out side a house*  
  
Barney: Hello everybody!  
  
Mob of people: GET HIM!  
  
(The mob of people suddenly tackles him and proceed to beat him senseless.)  
  
*Back to Raziel and Vorador*  
  
Vorador: - Let the Human cattle have it.  
  
Raziel: I would expect that from a talking cactus.  
  
Vorador: Riiiiiiigggggght, Centuries of persecution have taught me well. Five hundred years ago, our race was almost exterminated by the Sarafan and William Shatner songs. And now the sick drama unfolds again, in merely a decade, Moebius' cutthroat citizen army has nearly accomplished what the Sarafan could not, River dancing with an even worse style and form.  
  
(Then to himself.)  
  
Vampires meddling in the affairs of men. Look where it has brought us.  
  
(Raziel considers, or at least tries to in his drunkenness, then asks.)  
  
Raziel: What am I to make of the pictures with the vampire birdies on them?  
  
Vorador: Fairy tales, boy. The delirious depictions of an ancient culture, clinging to hope long after the world had said 'screw you, you suck!'. Their bloodline trickled away, until only one of the Ancient's remained - sustained solely by obligation and cheetos and his unfaltering faith in the old prophecies.  
  
(Vorador stride closes to Raziel as he speaks, until they are face to face.)  
  
Raziel: Uh *hic* do you think *hic* you could back up a little?  
  
Vorador: UGH! Beer breathes!  
  
(He runs away to the edge of the balcony and continues his talk.)  
  
Vorador: But even you are who you appear to be, it no longer matters. You're simply too damn late. Janos Audron - the Reaver Guardian, the last of the ancients, my maker, and original black jack dealer - was murdered by the Sarafan nearly five centuries ago. He alone would have the answers you seek, but his secrets died with him. I don't know how you've come even this far, being as drunk as you are and without his guidance - or without the Reaver, stolen these five hundred years ago by the Sarafan. I am afraid, my friend, that you - and all of us - are out of luck. Oh, almost forgot, here.  
  
(He hands Raziel a flier and then backs away without immediately teleporting and falls off the edge of the balcony.)  
  
Vorador: *Like little girl* EEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!  
  
(Splashes into water and jumps fifty feet into air, catching fire like most vampires exposed to water. He soon vanishes leaving Raziel alone.)  
  
Raziel: *Reading flier* "Come to 'Crazy Vorador's' Auto store, where we have all of the best sports cars around at cheap prices." What the *Hic* Hell?  
  
(He throws the fliers away.)  
  
Raziel V.O: I had no less reason to trust that green pointy eared freak than anyone else I had met. In fact the ancient vampire was the most forthright being I had encountered thus far. If Janos Audron was key, even though I don't understand how a vampire could be a key, then I would find, even though he's dead right now, maybe some time in the past he may be alive, and Moebius' Time Streaming device would provide me passage and maybe even more booze. But first I had to find a way back into the stronghold, maybe the back door. naw, I'll just do it the hard way and find some means to enter through the lake's mysterious shrine. But first a nap!  
  
(He then collapses in a drunken heap. He wakes up several hours later.)  
  
Raziel: *With biggest Hangover yet* OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! My F#*%(@G! Head! UGH! What the Frick happened? Might as well go see Elder Squid.  
  
(Stumbles back toward the subterranean chambers.)  
  
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Me: SORRY! Sorry it took so long to update. Evil school you know.  
  
(Shakes fists in anger.)  
  
Me: I was also in deep concentration over Golden Sun: The Lost Age, just three more Djinns, one more Venus, Mars and Mercury and then I'll have that ultimate Summon.  
  
Please Review and I will teach you all the 500 ways to kill a man with a Q-tip technique, then allow you to test them out on Moebius.  
  
(Moebius crawls in, very beaten.)  
  
Moebius: Please, no more, I beg of you!  
  
Me: HMMMMMM.....NO!  
  
(Proceeds to harm him once more.)  
  
See ya! And stay tuned for my first Songfic, featuring LoK characters! 


	5. Chapter 5: Light Forge, Time and Space g...

Soul Reaver 2 - Chapter 5: Another of the Elder's speeches, a  
trip to a light forge.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't nothin' that occurs in this fiction.  
  
Me: I am proud to present another chapter of one of best parodies yet, I have also decided on writing a small fiction that has a theory to Defiance. Now on with the fiction.  
  
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(We see Raziel stumbling back to the subterranean area, still having a hangover from the previous drunken stupor. He makes his way back in the Pillar/Murals/Elder God chamber.)  
  
Elder: Ah, my wayward child returns.  
  
Raziel: *Aching from hangover* Having unearthed more than you'd like, I think. What am I to make of these pretty pictures which litter the land, which depict blue birdie people?  
  
Elder: Merely the graffiti of a failed civilization. You are being misled, Raziel. You must tread carefully, wear protective footwear. There are evil thingies bent on subverting your true destiny.  
  
Raziel: I didn't really have much doubt of that. The question is: how the hell can I talk with no bottom jaw, nor a tongue?  
  
Elder: Your stupidity will spell your demise, Raziel. Deny my will, and the thing of your destiny will reach a sudden conclusion.  
  
Raziel: Oh, I'm so scared.Even now, I'm beyond your reach.  
  
(The elder tries to reach of the water to strangle Raziel, but is unable.)  
  
Elder: Dammit! My reach is longer than you realize.  
  
Raziel: Try it!  
  
(Suddenly a noise of something falling is heard above. Raziel glances up.)  
  
Raziel: O.O0; Oh dear.  
  
(He is crushed by a giant rock, the Fox sign and a random fat man.)  
  
Raziel: *With claw sticking out from underneath twitching* Owww...  
  
(He climbs out, sneers at the elder and then makes his way out from where he came the first time through. He heads past the Pillars, back to the Stronghold and then jumps into the lake, and swims to where the Light Forge door is. He opens it with the Dark Reaver and enters.)  
  
Raziel V.O: These murals left no doubt. These creatures were cool looking! Oh, and were the architects of the Pillars, and while the images were pretty damn hard to figure out, it seemed that the pillars were used to make their enemies riverdance and then vanish or diminish.  
  
(He then enters and makes his way through a little. He comes across the first of those blocks you have to push to maneuver the light.)  
  
Raziel: *Blank stare except for right eye twitching every five seconds, suddenly he starts to shake violently, foam starts to froth over his cowl and his eye twitches madly, he then screams insanely. * BLOCK PUZZLES! EEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!  
  
(In his mad rant, he slaughters the thralls' and devours their souls quite gruesomely and in some miracle of a way, solves the forge puzzle and then calms down.)  
  
Raziel: *Snaps back to reality* Wha, what happened?  
  
(He goes back to the main room and plunges the reaver in the forge. He is lifted up as the Reaver is imbued with the power of Light.)  
  
Raziel: WWWWWHHHHHEEEEEE! ^_______^ Now empowered with light, I had the means to re-enter the stronghold, I can only hope that I do not encounter Moebius. That guy is so gay!  
  
Moebius: *Echoing from the Stronghold* No, I'm not!  
  
Raziel: O.o;;  
  
(He leaves the forge, fights a pointless shade and then makes his way to the other side of the stronghold. He uses the reaver and the massive doors open and he enters. He enters a swordsman and two female soldiers blocking the main hall.)  
  
Swordsman: To arms, the unholy ones approach!  
  
Raziel: Uh, there's only one of me.  
  
Female soldier 1: Don't mind him, Fred's been a little dead in the head for the past ten years.  
  
Female soldier 2: Well, I guess it's time to kill you.  
  
Raziel: Seems so.  
  
(They fight and Raziel kills them easily. He enters in the relic hall and walks towards the Chapel where the Reaver lays; he finds a corpse lying against the pillar, his throat torn open.)  
  
Raziel: Where the hell are you, Kain!  
  
(Kain is heard from William's chapel.)  
  
Kain: Here, you idiot.  
  
(Raziel enters and confronts Kain. The room gets all wavy again.)  
  
Kain: This is where a really cool event happens, Raziel. You cannot comprehend the magnitude of this moment, and yet you must, other wise it would've been boring to just re-enter and go straight to the other time device.  
  
(Raziel is just pissed as always when Kain does all this weird talk.)  
  
Raziel: I only understand this, Kain - that those blue bird people are cool looking and the pillars made monsters dance. Also that Moebius and you have brought me to this moment and I got no clue who pulling the strings, but I'm cutting them. I make my own cookies from here on out.  
  
(Raziel decides to leave at this.)  
  
Kain: O.o If only it were that simple.  
  
(Raziel stops and says.)  
  
Raziel: God, will you just shut-up already! Your damn fatalism is annoying, Kain.  
  
Kain: .and weirdly enough engraved, Raziel. You should know that you and I are not screwing up history by being here, we are meant to be here. History is irredeemable. Drop some stiff into a rushing river, the current just rushes over it as if the bum was never there. You and I are pebbles. I don't know how, but we are. We have a snowball's chance in hell of changing history. The continuum of time is simply too strong, too resilient. That's a lot of chat isn't it? Except, how the hell do we explain this wuss William, here?  
  
(He points to the effigy and turns to it.)  
  
Kain: The beloved boy-king-wuss turned decent tyrant.  
  
(He picks up the reaver and turns to Raziel, lightly swinging the blade.)  
  
Kain: In my youth, I witnessed William's rise to power and his transformation into the 'Nemesis' who laid waste to Nosgoth and stole all the cheese in Nosgoth.  
  
Raziel: Get the hell away from me, Kain.  
  
(Kain doesn't listen and continues to advance, reaver in hand as he speaks.)  
  
Kain: Years later, and after turning into a vampire, I stumble upon a chance to go back in time and whoop his sorry ass before he can even ravage Nosgoth. I did not realize that jackass Moebius had ordained this. I gave him the catalyst needed to start a new hatred towards vampire; they never even thanked me for saving their cheese.  
  
(Raziel gets even more pissed as Kain comes closer.)  
  
Raziel: Really, back the f*#k off!  
  
(Kain continues to draw closer.)  
  
Kain: This one stupid act cause's the skein of history to become messed up. The Nemesis never becomes the Nemesis; William dies a martyred saint/wussy. I, the vampire assassin become the reason why vampires aren't allowed to golf. And that freak Moebius profits from it all. I destroyed a tyrant only to make one far worse, and he's gay.  
  
(He points to the stained glass window, which now shows the lionized William and the demonized Kain playing poker with the stained glass pictures of Janos and the Sarafan. Both William and Kain have a Reaver placed as a bet.)  
  
Kain: O.o But how can it be so? How, if history is unable to be screwed with?  
  
(He gets even more close to Raziel, and the waviness gets even intense.)  
  
Kain: The answer is here in this room, Raziel. Moebius sent William and me together - making sure we both had a Reaver to beat each other with. The reaver is the key, and somehow so is ball of yarn, but that will come later. Two versions of the reaver meet in time and space and a paradox happens, one that is strong enough to really screw-up history.  
  
(Kain suddenly walks to close to Raziel and bumps into him, the wraith blade manifest on its own.)  
  
Raziel: What the hell, is this your cheap magic?  
  
Kain: Not mine, Raziel - yours. You have nothing to freak out about from me, Raziel. You hold all the cards.  
  
(Raziel quickly looks inside his cowl and sees nothing.)  
  
Raziel: Funny I don't see any.  
  
Kain: Just take the damn thing!  
  
(He hands the reaver over, hilt first. Raziel takes it and Kain shows his hands to show no deception. In short instant, Kain and Raziel are suddenly seen wearing British gentlemen clothing and suddenly back again, the wraith blade then decides to twine with the Reaver again.)  
  
Wraith: Hey what's up?  
  
Reaver: Nothing, you?  
  
Wraith: Not much.  
  
(Raziel and Kain don't even seem to notice this at all. Raziel then addresses Kain icily.)  
  
Raziel: Then maybe I should test you. Dance!  
  
(Kain does a little jig, suddenly three random people how up cards and give Kain a perfect ten. Raziel then points the tip of the blade at Kain's throat.)  
  
Raziel: If what you say is true, then you should be really scared right now. I could kick your ass, steal your money and kill you.  
  
(Kain responds like it's nothing new to him.)  
  
Kain: And so you do, Raziel.  
  
(Suddenly the blades turn hot pink and a little jingle plays, as this happens the blade pulls forward as if on its own will. Raziel is confused and alarmed.)  
  
Raziel: I am confused and alarmed. What's happening?  
  
(The reaver then turn green with red spots and a tune of Mary had a little lamp emanates from it. The trembling gets more intense and Raziel struggles against the pull.)  
  
Kain: We are running towards our destinies like a confused idiot. What you feel is the pull of history rushing to meet us, what you see, I have no damn idea but it is weird. This is where history and destiny collide and a cow explodes.  
  
(The reaver barks at Kain and lunges at him, he stumbles and falls to the ground against the sarcophagus. As Raziel fights the urge of the blade, it turns into potted flower and back again, Kain urges him.)  
  
Kain: If you truly believe in free will and cookies, Raziel, now is the time to prove. Kill me and we become cliché pawns drawn down the path of an artificial destiny. I was ordained to assume the role of balance guardian in Nosgoth and get a free pizza, while you destined to be its savior. But the crayon map of my fate was redrawn by Moebius, who did a horrible job, and so in turn was yours. (The blades turns back to normal with a farting noise, Raziel struggles to keep control.)  
  
Raziel: This madness! I want a snowcone!  
  
Kain: Fight it, Raziel. this does not have to be an ending, it can become a prelude to another game, one that will kick ass.  
  
(The reaver is gaining, Raziel is losing strength.)  
  
Raziel: I can't, the snowcone beckons!  
  
Kain: You can, Raziel - look inside and see that it's true. You have the power to ignore fate and reshape our futures. I'll buy you one if do.  
  
Raziel: Ok.  
  
(He lifts the and in an instant, brings it down, Kain flinches expecting impact and a flash occurs. Raziel stumbles back with his now free of the blade; he has plunged the reaver in the sarcophagus and split it in two. Kain stumbles up and looks in surprise as a voice erupts from the stone.)  
  
Sarcophagus William: OW! That really freaking hurt you know!  
  
(Suddenly his soul is sucked into the blade Kain shrugs.)  
  
Kain: .poor William.  
  
(Suddenly a studio audience boos at Kain's joke and throw rotten fruit at him. Then they vanish and the room starts to shake violently as history labors to change to this alteration and somewhere in the distance a cow bursts into flames and explodes.)  
  
Raziel: O.o Whoa, I didn't know the world got drunk this long ago.  
  
Kain: No, it is not that. History abhors a paradox and fuzzy slippers, Raziel. Even now, the time-stream strains to divert itself since you just blocked its original course by not killing me. The future is reshuffling its sock drawer due to your monumental decision.  
  
(As Kain says this, the distortion subsides.)  
  
Kain: This is where we redeem ourselves and our golf course passes and reclaim our true destinies. It may still be possible for me to assume my role as Balance Guardian and return the pillars to their rightful inheritors -  
  
(Raziel interrupts.)  
  
Raziel: - to the monkeys, I mean vampires. And this is the destiny you urged me to discover? I don't know what game you and Moebius are playing, Kain - but I refuse to be your dog. Kain: Dog?  
  
Raziel: Well this whole pawn stuff keeps referring to chess and I got bored of that.  
  
(Raziel turns and strides away.)  
  
Kain: Very well, I'll not ask you to trust me - your truths are for you to discover on your own.  
  
(Raziel stops and says without turning.)  
  
Raziel: Humble words coming from a man who has an equal drinking problem and tries to teach me a lesson at every turn.  
  
Kain: Then continue your journey and learn your lessons, Raziel. Remember - Moebius led you here, but you walk away with me alive and free to go kick his ass. A conquer of free will and a devourer of alcohol.  
  
(Raziel walks away with no comment.)  
  
Kain: There is much more for you to unearth, but I no longer can give you a shovel, just try and keep in mind that Moebius is a gay freak who'll undoubtedly trick you.  
  
(He vanishes and Raziel walks back to the chamber where it all started and fires the light reaver at the stone, it glows and opens the doors to the device. Suddenly Moebius runs in only in his boxers, Raziel reels at this site and throws his hands up to his eyes.)  
  
Raziel: THE HORROR!  
  
(Moebius sees what's wrong runs off and comes back with some cloths on. He is now wearing a pink frilly T-shirt saying: "Love and Peace" and is still alarmed for he knows that Kain has survived the supposed fatal encounter. Raziel realizes that and relishes in it.)  
  
Raziel: O.o Ah, yes - I like that look on your face Moebius, you really don't know what to do now do you, old man? And you wearing that shirt opens up even ways to blackmail you than already possible.  
  
Moebius: Kain's devious influence has poisoned your mind, now you see pink T-shirts everywhere, even in your closest allies!  
  
Raziel: We were never allies, conspirators, perhaps, but I was probably drunk at the time. Now just shut up and do what I say and go in there and get that machine working.  
  
Moebius: Why are you so mean? , I mean yes I know I'm a little tricky -  
  
Raziel: A LITTLE!?! YOUR GONNA TRICK ME IN THE END AND TRY TO CAUSE ME TO GET PULLED INTO THE REAVER!  
  
(He then grabs Moebius by the scruff of the neck and throws him into the time-streaming device.)  
  
Moebius: What are you doing. You, going to frisk me?  
  
Raziel: O.o Say something like that again and you'll find your head where your ass should be!  
  
Moebius: Sorry!  
  
Raziel: Now operate the machine and leave me to my own destiny to shape. I wish to go into a simpler time before the Sarafan began their crusade.  
  
(Moebius operates the controls and then addresses Raziel.)  
  
Moebius: There, all you have to do now is touch those two poles and the device will transport you. But I urge you to reconsider.  
  
(Raziel places his hands on the poles of the device.)  
  
Raziel: Oh will you just shut-up you stupid excuse for villain, rot here, and forget me.  
  
(Moebius then runs out screaming about wanting to be some ones bitch and Raziel just shakes his head. When Moebius is far away his face turns into a cunning grin. Raziel then throws the switch and is swept into the currents of time. only to where?)  
  
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Me: Well, was it good, was it bad, TELL ME! I'll be able to post more often now that school's out.  
  
Please review and I will give you all a free time streaming that has infinite uses.  
  
See ya! 


	6. Chapter 6: Timestreaming, ghost, odd dem...

Soul Reaver 2 - Chapter 6: Time streaming adventures, a jackasses spirit, a  
dead woman's ghost, a ruined aerie and an Air forge.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Legacy of Kain and the other, random, copyrighted stuff that appears.  
  
Me: Thanks for the reviews, I've even decided on going back to my first SR1 parody and fix some things, I'll also tidy up this and the BO2 parodies. I'm even about to update my Grand Theft Auto: Vice City parody, which I advise you all check out, it's not really a comedic fic, it's a serious one but I'm sure you'll enjoy it. Also, please read my Silent Hill 2 parody, Restless Parody, it's pretty good. Well, enough blabbering, time for the chapter.  
  
On with the fiction!  
  
************************************************************************  
  
(Raziel is floating in the streams of time, there are odd things floating around and by as he travels forward. Things like clocks, alarms, lawyers, Donny Osmond, the cast of Monty Python, McCloud and something horrifying, Barney the Dinosaur.)  
  
Raziel: O.o;;; .O.K.  
  
(He then is blinded as the light fades to black, when it clears, he is in a cave that has torches by a small altar. He inspects them but turns his attention to the sound of footsteps. He sees a young boy with blonde hair and green cloths on. He pulls out a sword that only looks like a dagger in Raziel's point of view, the boy brings the sword down on Raz's head, but he isn't fazed much, he stumbles to one side, clutching his head in pain.)  
  
Raziel: OWWWW! That hurt you freaking elf!  
  
Link: *Does that gasps of his* BLUE ZOMBIE THING! EIEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
(Link pushes the open the block and runs into the Fire Mountain level. Raziel stares at the block. His head is to one side, his left eye twitches and a little froth drools over the edge of his cowl.)  
  
Raziel: Block.block.BLOCK!!! NOO! EVIL!  
  
(He goes into a fit of hysterics and begins to run in circle whilst singing country folk songs and doing the macarena. Suddenly he is dragged back into the time stream. In his absence, Link pokes his head through the level entrance.)  
  
Link: What the hell's his problem?  
  
(We then see Raziel hurtling through time again.) Raziel: Phew, at least I'm away from that. block.  
  
(Again he sees weird and out of place things, this time for instance he sees Oprah, apparently attempting to eat Cary Coleman with two slices of French bread.  
  
Oprah: Get over you little baby, get in my belly!  
  
Cary: What'd you talkin' 'bout Oprah.  
  
*Canned laughter*  
  
Raziel: That was random.  
  
(He also sees a portal depicting Richard Nixon and Elvis battling in a Godzilla like battle, with sound affects of course.)  
  
Richard Nixon: *Godzilla roar. Shoot atomic breath. Then does the peace thing with his hands*  
  
Elvis: *King Kong like roar. Punches Nixon*  
  
(Elvis throws Nixon, whom in a Godzilla way, flies threw the air in place. Raziel can only look in confusion before being dropped into a new time and space, this time he finds himself in factory like room, it's dark and there's an orange glow coming from below. He suddenly hears a weird wheezing and turns, from the shadows, a man dressed in black, wearing a cape and has weird electronic device on his chest, and a hideous mask like helmet hides his face.)  
  
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father.  
  
Raziel: Uh, I'm not Luke, and you're certainly not my father, Kain is.  
  
Vader: Oh, uh, COME TO THE DARK SIDE!  
  
(He pulls out his light-saber and Raziel summons the Soul Reaver. The two clash in a battle, complete with light-saber sounds.)  
  
Vader: I see yours is bigger than mine is.  
  
Raziel: Yeah and I get five different colors, too!  
  
Vader: Search your heart, you know it to be true.  
  
Raziel: Well I can't, my heart is somewhere in the abyss.  
  
(Vader then slashes at Raziel's left hand. Which disintegrates. Raziel dismisses the Reaver and clutches his wrist.) Raziel: *Monotone* Ow.  
  
Vader: I'll give you another chance, join me, or die!  
  
Raziel: Never!  
  
(He suddenly stands up, but slips and falls off the railing, which a sign reading "Do not walk. Wet floor" is clearly in sight by. As he falls, he is again swept into the time stream. Vader peers over the edge.)  
  
Vader: The stupidity is strong in that one.  
  
(He turns as a door opens a ways behind him.)  
  
Vader: Oh it's Luke. Time to get to work. *Clears throat* Luke I am your.  
  
(We go back to Raziel, who's still in the time stream, he sees many more weird things, one of which seems to be George Clooney doing the chicken dance with the cast of Silent Hill 2. He then is dropped once more. Finally arriving in the time streaming chamber, but it seems wrong, the walls are cracked and decayed. He exits and finds the conference room of the circle of nine is abandoned and the ceiling has many holes in, rain pours from the sky like, well, rain.)  
  
Raziel V.O: Even as I emerged from that infernal time streaming chamber, I suspected treachery. The stronghold was vacant, derelict and abandoned. Besides, the meter read 'Please deposit ten cents'.  
  
(Suddenly two green demons appear and a barrier with the same color as them appears and forces Raziel to confront them.)  
  
Demons: *Growling* Raziel.  
  
Raziel: What?  
  
Demons: *Attack*  
  
Raziel: Can I help you?  
  
(They continue to attack him, he fights them and kills them.)  
  
Raziel: Dumbasses, what was it they wanted?  
  
(He exits the room and finds he's the whole stronghold is ruined. He enters into the room where William's chapel is; now with the reaver, stolen by Kain a century ago. He then sees a statue of Moebius.)  
  
Raziel V.O: If I had any doubts of when I was, they were all blown away. For here was a sight that sickened and pissed me off, Moebius lionized as the 'heroic' and 'brave' leader of his bloodthirsty mob. He also held Vorador's head aloft, a trophy of Moebius' greatest achievement, the annihilation of the vampire race. Instead of the sending me into the past, that jackass had sent into the ghastly future of Nosgoth. It was a time of heck and the horrific return of lawyers, who had broken back into Nosgoth from their imprisonment when Kain had refused the sacrifice of his life, also all of the brothel's had been put under quarantine for at least three hundred years. Damn. I knew why he had done this. Because I refused to become an obedient assassin, he sent me here to keep me from my true destiny, which lay in the past. I was now more eager to find out, but he had effectively trapped me here. I would have to find some means of getting into the past, hmm, perhaps I could that other time streaming chamber that can only be open by someone who has no stomach, no lower jaw and has an oversized novelty light-saber on his forearm. For the time being, I could now maybe investigate the mountains, which were previously blocked.  
  
(Two grey demons appear.)  
  
Grey Demons: Raziel.  
  
Raziel: WHAT!?!  
  
Grey Demons: Can you spare us a few coins, please?  
  
Raziel: Oh, uh, sure here.  
  
(He pulls out some quarters from his cowl and the demons take it and leave. The sounds of a bus screeching to a halt and leaving are heard. Raziel leaves the chapel room and enters the room at the front and finds Moebius' spirit, dead for a century since his death at Kain's hands. He greets Raziel in a withered and anguished voice.)  
  
Moebius: Raziel.  
  
Raziel: YOU LITTLE BASTARD!  
  
(He jumps at Moebius, but only passes through him and hits the wall behind him headfirst.)  
  
Raziel: *With anime swirls in eyes* What charade is this now, Moebius? And why are there five of you?  
  
Moebius: No charade, Raziel. Only the moans of a martyred spirit.  
  
Raziel: Your bitching means nothing to me, after all your deceit. You sent me into Nosgoth's future, and stranded me here, you ass.  
  
Moebius: I'm really sorry, I had to do it. Consider it the last -  
  
Raziel: Oh will you stop with the 'poor, helpless and pathetic' act already, I know, I should've killed Kain, even though it would no affect on history at all, since his 'original' refusal at the pillars. You can't fool anyone you git! I'd have to be incredibly stupid and ignorant to actually believe anything you say. Now just shut the hell up already!  
  
Moebius: Kain's lies have addled your mind. Leave this place and trouble my spirit no more!  
  
(Raziel has a light bulb appear above his head; he points in exclamation and realization, until the light bulb burns out.)  
  
Raziel: If you really are a spirit, don't forget that I have ways to find out.  
  
(He pulls down his cowl and takes out a phone, he dials a number in a few minutes the doors bust down and four men, three white and one black appear, they are wearing tan jumpsuits and have a logo with a ghost crossed out like a bug exterminator logo.)  
  
Men in suits: Who are you gonna call?  
  
Mysterious crowd: *Cheers* Ghostbusters!  
  
Random demon: I ain't afraid of no ghost!  
  
Ray: Time to zap some ghost!  
  
(They point the guns at the ghost of Moebius and charge up, Moebius screams like a little girl and jumps out the window, the Ghostbusters follow and leave Raziel alone.)  
  
Raziel: I didn't think so. Either way, you lose.  
  
(He leaves the Sarafan stronghold and beholds the future Nosgoth, which doesn't seem all that bad. Sure its raining and gloomy, but at least there isn't smog covering the skies. Raziel makes his way to the pillars, fighting more of the demons, well at least some of them, one pair apparently had the evil thought of singing Barney songs, Raziel had only made away with barely any sanity left, if there was any. He enters into the now ruined Pillars, crumbled and fallen from Kain's refusal.)  
  
Raziel V.O: These were the Pillars familiar to my blighted eyes. But now that I knew their history, I could regard them with a new enlightened horror, rather than Kain's story of how he got a little too drunk one night and all this stuff occurred, involving a bulldozer and a mutant biscuit. I even questioned his simple refusal - his mere ambition - could truly have messed everything up. I felt some darker influence was at work here.  
  
(One of the Elder God's tentacles can be seen behind the Pillars, out of Raziel's gaze.)  
  
Elder God: Oh crap!  
  
(The tentacle retracts and Raziel continues to look upon the Pillars, never noticing the Elder at all, he looks to his left and sees the subway tunnel entrance a sigh hang above it while the entrance is boarded up.)  
  
Raziel: 'Subway to Hell, closed indefinitely' *He shrugs at this*  
  
(He sees Ariel, floating in front of the Balance Pillar, obviously mourning, as if that isn't anything new. Raziel slowly creeps up behind her, he can hear her lamenting, and she's unaware of his presence.)  
  
Ariel: Forever am I bound, hope hopped the next bus, my spirit tethered to this place, like a ball. What messed up the circle could not harm me, for I was already dead, lucky break. I alone was spared the descent into stupidity, and Kain alone was spared pain of hangovers. When Nupraptor's idiocy reached him even with the womb, all hope was ultimately screwed over. Consider us now. both less than we once were. I, pure and boring but insubstantial; and Kain, terribly real and drunk, but corrupted.  
  
(Raziel had been listening but had also been staring at where Ariel's butt once was, suddenly falls out of the trance and speaks to Ariel, scaring the unlife *pun!* out of her.)  
  
Raziel: Your imprisonment here has made you deranged, babe. You complain about Kain like crazy for you assume he is the tether that binds you here. But we both know he is not the author of your whininess. Dark forces and lawyers, invited by the Guardians themselves messed up the Pillars. The more I learn of your idiotic circle, the more I see a tangled nest of manipulations and moronic mistakes.  
  
(Ariel is fuming, not only because of Raziel's statements, but also for that 'babe' comment.)  
  
Ariel: That ass handed them their victory. They sought to screw the Pillars up, and he was their willing banjo.  
  
(Raziel interrupts; he seems to be doing that a lot, challenging her.)  
  
Raziel: Or was he their unwilling village idiot? Would it piss you to know that Kain's dilemma was calculated to make the Pillars fall over, regardless of his choice? And that even more screwy things could've happened had he chosen the fate you told him to chose?  
  
Ariel: You are a subtle, deceitful jackass. But your clever arguments do not change my thoughts of that drunkard moron, Kain. He must die for the Pillars to be restored; there is no other way.  
  
Raziel: Then think about this - what if Kain's death doesn't do jack-squat for the Pillars? Consider that it may be simply too late. That this world is beyond redemption and curing of hangovers. And that you may be bound here eternally.  
  
(Ariel gets so mad she teleports into the spectral realm, unaware that Raziel can too, he shakes his head and sighs and follows, he runs behind the Balance to find Ariel there, hiding from him. She is shocked to see him there too.)  
  
Ariel: Why do you bug the heck out of me, demon. You can see that I'm trapped here, show me mercy.  
  
Raziel: Like the mercy you showed Kain when you told him what to do without even letting him in on his forth-coming fate? Or the mercy you showed your beloved Nupraptor when you made him Kain's first kill?  
  
Ariel: He was an ass and a weirdo anyway, damn light-bulb-head. You are cruel. Why must you bug me?  
  
(Raziel shakes his head and relents.)  
  
Raziel: I am merely looking for answers, and my car keys, Ariel. Very well - I'll leave you alone to mope and whine. But know this - about you, and this hellhole you long to escape from. .you're merely at the threshold.  
  
(Ariel then vanishes to somewhere, Raziel is about to walk to the steps that form in the cliff in spectral when a huge hulking demon appears.)  
  
Fire Demon: Dinsdale!  
  
Raziel: O.o0  
  
(The Demon doesn't seem to notice him at all, it wonders off, constantly muttering 'Dinsdale' every few moments. Raziel decides to ignore this and continue on, he heads threw the caverns fighting an occasional demon or two, he makes it into the Elders/Mural rooms, and is surprised to see how he has grown in the century, his tentacles reach from the waters. The rooms once perfect look is now faded from the passing of time. The Elder addresses him coldly.)  
  
Elder: Raziel, the failed assassin. You had Kain at your mercy but not the balls to fulfil the act. And now you crappy wasteland wrought by the tyrants hand. This is the fate of Nosgoth, as long as Kain remains alive.  
  
Raziel: An ironic condemnation, given this messed up scene. One would think you knock the Pillars over single-handedly. What are trying to obliterate as you drag your ass through this chamber? And why, as Nosgoth descends into stupidity and drunkenness, do you appear to thrive? Things in this world, I think I'm learning, are more than what they seem. You are no exception.  
  
Elder: I am the engine of a car's life, the source of Nosgoth's very existence. I am the hub of the wheel, the origin of all alcohol and life, the devourer of death.  
  
Raziel: Or maybe you're just hungry - could it be as simple as that? Wouldn't that be oetic irony? The great adversary of the vampires turns to be the biggest arasite of them all.  
  
Elder: Do not test my patience with those ridiculous outtake quotes, Raziel. I made you and I can unmake if I become so inclined.  
  
Raziel: Try me, bitch!  
  
(Nothing happens, the Elder tries to grab Raziel, but he stands in the center and is out of range.)  
  
Elder: Damn your clever.  
  
Raziel: As your agent I am beyond death.  
  
Elder: There are worst fates than death, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: I now see you for what you truly are. A cancer - a spooling arasite burrowed deep into the heart of this world.  
  
Elder: Go now. Play out your stupid rebellion, and take your place among the messed up, unused and the weird. But know this, you are mine for all eternity. You have and always will be, my Soul Reaver.  
  
Raziel: Seems to me you have a Gollum complex, and the way you admire the reaver, you seem as if you're the Sarafan Lord.  
  
Elder: Shut up!  
  
(Raziel hops into the water, makes his way out of the chambers and finally back into the swamp, which doesn't look ickier than the last time he was there.)  
  
Raziel V.O: Inside that rusted piece of crap lay my only ticket to getting out of this damn place, but I would need yet another type of reaver that can open a door made only for the reaver itself. Man the developers should have made a more ingenious lock on these places.  
  
(He fights off the weird mutants which slightly amuse him cause of their weird look and makes it to the cliff that was blocked off the last time he came by, he climbs up and enters, fighting off more demons and lawyers. He makes it to that infamous town Kain visited for a while in BO1.)  
  
Raziel V.O: Here I discovered the quaint hamlet of Uschtenheim, home of the vampire, Janos Audron and birthplace of Nosgoth's most popular line of Brothel's: Gothooters. If there was any truth to the tales, that Janos burned down the original brothel and terrorized the villagers; I would my answers here.  
  
(He steps forward, gets bugged by a Green demon needing directions to Meridian and narrowly making his way through the hordes of and lawyers, easily fending the demons off, but have a tough bout with the lawyers. He makes his way to the Ruined Aerie. He looks upon the crumbled architecture and speaks his thought of what he sees:)  
  
Raziel: What the Hell happened here!?!  
  
(He observes it some more before speaking of it once more.)  
  
Raziel V.O: Man this place was a mess, beer cans littered the waters and Aerie looked to have been rocked by some unknown force, possibly a result of Janos' death, or he apparently left the gas on. Whatever the reason, I could find no clues here or at least in this era.  
  
(He sees a small mountain pass in the west.)  
  
Raziel V.O: Seeming that this land is already pretty one-way, I might as well continue on.  
  
(He hears footsteps behind him and turns; he sighs as he realizes who it is.)  
  
Raziel: Oh no, every time you show up, something monumental and terrible happens. I don't think I have the stomach for it.  
  
Carrot Top: Hey, no drama this time, just dial down the center and make your collect call to the one your looking for, all for ten-cents a minute. Just Dial C-A-L-L-A-T-T and then the number you're calling.  
  
Random Lightning demon: It's cheap and easy.  
  
Carrot Top: Exactly!  
  
Raziel: Evil! You may have low-rates, but your annoyance can no longer be tolerated, have at thee!  
  
(He slaughters Carrot Top and then sees Kain approaching, who seems to be laughing about something.)  
  
Kain: That was pretty funny, the whole 'I don't think I have the stomach for it' bit was great, seeing as how you don't have any stomach no more.  
  
Raziel: You are persistent, crossing time and space to simply laugh at an ironic statement I made and my senseless murdering of an annoying trademark character. Still waiting for that coins of your to land on its edge?  
  
Kain: I'm biding my time, I'm spending my time in the brothels'.  
  
(He glances up at the Aerie.)  
  
Kain: Holy crap on a crap cracker!  
  
Raziel: Exactly what I said.  
  
Kain: Seems Moebius played a trick on you, he doesn't seem to want you to meet this Janos Audron, and he may very well be the key to your destiny.  
  
Raziel: You sorta skipped a line or two.  
  
Kain: *Mutters to self his original lines and thinks about it* That's a lot of chat, isn't it?  
  
Raziel: Oy, again with outtakes!  
  
Kain: Perhaps he wanted to make you even more pissed at me.  
  
Raziel: I do not need more pissing off, I'm quite angry as it is with you. If kicking your ass would change anything, I'd do it right now.  
  
Kain: Good to see you see through their crap, don't allow yourself to be fooled.  
  
Raziel: You speak as if were allies, or at least playing co-op in a video game.  
  
Kain: Regardless of your sentiments, Raziel, in their eyes - we are.  
  
Raziel: Well they seem to be 'trying' to kill you, I'm getting assaulted left and right by demons and lawyers demanding your death and mortgage payments. I wonder if they even know how to destroy me.  
  
Kain: To cut this damn conversation short, it's like this. Moebius is someone's bitch, which isn't too surprising, the ones pulling the strings will show themselves soon enough, probably in Defiance. Also, we are irritants in History's eyes, and we are merely rewriting the ending, which sucked and got two thumbs down. Now I must be off, oh yeah know that you're expelled from time if you screw up too badly and that we must tread carefully.  
  
(Kain then vanishes, Raziel makes his way to the pass, all the while complaining of Kain's luckiness to go to a brothel in his free time, he enters the Air forge after facing a small army of Lawyers.)  
  
Raziel V.O: So, the winged beings were Nosgoth's first vampires, and their blood-lust was cursed upon them by their defeated enemies, who seemed to be doing a voodoo dance that resembles the macarena. I struggled to see how the pieces fit together, how on earth did Wally escape the explosion of LeChuck's roller coasters? Oh yeah and why all the crap that happens in this game fits together.  
  
(He then enters solves the puzzles, fights the thralls, wusses out when it comes to touching the hearts and finally activates the Forge, He plunges the reaver in.)  
  
Raziel V.O: Now imbued with elemental wind, I could create air pockets that allowed me to glide higher and further and also blow open crack surfaces, shame there was only a few cracked doors, oh well.  
  
(He then exits and begins to make his way through back to that Time- streaming device.)  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Well I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, I'll try update as soon as I can.  
  
Please Review and I will give you all super-powers to beat the *Beep* out of Moebius.  
  
See ya all later! 


	7. Chapter 7: More timestreaming, random st...

1Soul Reaver 2 - Chapter 7: More time streaming, a meeting with an ancient vampire and something about a spork.

Disclaimer: I said it before, I don't own the damn licence, or the songs included in this fic.

Me: It's been a long time since I updated this, I hope to change that, well here it is, the long awaited update, enjoy!

(Raziel travels back to the sealed time chamber and shoots it with the air reaver. Then enters the chamber.)

Raziel V.O: I had no choice but to act on dumb luck. There was no way to tell if I'd be sent into the past, or into the horrid room with a moose, and I had no knowledge of how to operate the machine, much less a manual.

I hesitated only briefly, then throwing the switch, I hurled myself into obscurity and insanity, and allowed myself to be taken by wackiness.

(Raziel floats through the currents of time, again seeing odd things, he peers through a window and sees a bizarre commercial playing out in it.)

Man in window: It hits you when you least expect it.

(Show the female character from Kill Zone holding her stomach.)

Man: It strikes without mercy, and can devastate all around. It's...

Templar: HELL GAS!

(A loud fart blast all the characters from Kill Zone and they die horribly.)

Raziel: It's so easy to make fun of the Helghast like that.

(Raziel suddenly finds himself teleported and finds himself on top of a tower, it pouring rain and there are statues all around. A man in a blue coat turns to face Raziel, his white hair brushed back, he carries a katana.)

Virgil: Brother.

Raziel: Uh, I'm not your brother.

Virgil: Oh, sorry for the confusion.

(Suddenly a man in a Red Coat walk ups.)

Dante: You really know how to throw a party, no food, no drinks, and the only babe just left.

Raziel: I think your looking for him. Points to Virgil

Dante: Oh sorry.

Virgil: Who the hell are you anyway?

Raziel: I'm a vampire wraith.

Dante: DEMON!

(Dante does Aerial Rave on Raziel and sends him to the spectral realm. Raziel sighs and materializes back in.)

Raziel: Jackass, what was that for?

Virgil: Such power, to resurrect from death, how is that possible?

Raziel: mumbles Idon'tknow.

Dante: Hmm, anyway, let's get on with the fight.

Virgil: Of course.

(The two half-demons begin to fight.)

Raziel: O.o0 What, I'm not that important they just go on to fight each other. Oh well.

(Suddenly Raziel is pulled back into the time stream and finds himself seeing more weird things, one including a blimp resembling Marlon Brando flying through the air. Then Raziel is once again pulled into another world, this time the middle of a street.)

Raziel: Now where the hell am I?

(Suddenly a man with a head that looks like a giant brain appears.)

The Lobe: I've got you now, Freakazoid!

Raziel: You must have me confused with someone else.

Lobe: Oh...

(Suddenly a man in red pajamas appears.)

Freakazoid: Hello mister freaky vampire wraith guys.

Raziel: O.o Uh, hello?

Freakazoid: In deep voice like he does sometimes Can I have your autograph!

Raziel: Sure.

(Write autograph, moments later a cop pulls up and leans out the window to Freakazoid.)

Cosgrove: Hey kid, wanna go to the happy fun ice cream theme park?

Freakazoid: DO I!

Raziel: O.o

(Raziel is once again pulled into the time stream and sees another odd sight.)

Gordon Freeman: Do you hate it when you and your friends face off against hideous mutant head crabs?

A recording shows people running from zombies, among the fleeing are Aninaniacs and in the horde of zombies, Sinbad the stand up comedian.)

Raziel: Dear god, how horrible.

Gordon: Then dial 1-800-Kill-zombies

Chorus: We get them all the time.

(Raziel is finally warped into the time chamber, it seems more new in look, he exits and finds the land covered in snow.)

Raziel V.O: Beyond all hope, and against all stupidity, it seemed I had been delivered to the era I sought. For there were Sarafan banners and wanted posters for the capture of Celine Dion. I didn't care much about the details, only that I was in the age the would likely be the time of Janos Audron, I was tired of freaking deception and decided to move on.

(Raziel heads to the swamp and regards the Sarafan's kills.)

Raziel: At least their not as brutal as Disney.

(Raziel travels to the canyons and arrives at a Sarafan camp.)

Sarafan Warrior Priest: Holy Cow!

Raziel V.O: Here at last in the stupidity, I beheld the my former idiots-in-moroness, the warrior/River dancers of the Sarafan order; their lives devoted solely to horrible dancing and killing things.

And while I confess I felt an itch of longing, a pang of grief for what I believed to be my lost ignorance, I regarded now as jerks.

For I had seen the not so badness of vampires, and I now beheld the utter weirdness of these men.

(Raziel fights them and makes his Janos' Retreat. Still in one piece in this time.)

Raziel V.O: After long hard-ass journey, I now stood at my place of enlightenment and possibly a good drink. Janos Audron's mountain retreat stood intact, and free of rabid fan-boys.

I still figure what the hell caused it to fall in the future, maybe he left the oven on.

There was only one problem, how the hell do I reach the balcony? It was reachable by only winged creatures, or dudes with cool teleporting powers.

(Raziel, the idiot he is, falls through the ice, and somehow finds the hidden entrance in the spectral realm, he then pulls out the walkthrough for the game.)

Raziel: Screw this, that'll take forever. Ah ha!

(He spots an elevator. He pushes the button and it opens, he spots a warning sign.)

Raziel: Warning, those who use this instead of the tedious puzzles will go mad, oh well, it can't be as bad as shutters block puzzles.

(As the elevator begins to rise up, a horrible tune fills the shaft.)

Raziel: O.O Oh no, not this, why didn't I heed the warning?

Elevator Song: MacArthur Park.

Raziel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

One hour later

(The elevators doors ding and open, Raziel is in the fetal position trying to suck his thumb.)

Song: Someone left the cake in the rain, Oh, nooo!

Raziel: Laughing insanely FHOIEDHFLKHD! Rolls out of elevator and into hall before Janos' chamber.

(Raziel takes a few minutes to regain what's left of his sanity, which isn't much, he then enters, he spots Janos, his back to him at the far end of the chamber.)

Raziel: Janos Audron, the greatest black jack dealer.

Janos: It is heartening, after all these years of being ignored, to hear my name, and title, spoken without contempt, or the usual follow up line: "this is a court order"

(Janos turns, and freaks out.)

Janos: HOLY CRAP! Raziel, my child, what have they done to you?

Raziel: I have been dragged through Disney's California Adventure and back, all which seems to lead up to this moment, and yet I still don't know why, why did they make such a horrible place.

Janos: For thousands of years, I have pondered that, alone, losing sanity...

At the time of the binding and the great bachelor party for Vorador, nine guardians were called to guard the pillars and the last beer in the fridge. And I was summoned as the tenth guardian, keeper of the reaver.

Over time, our race died out, until I was left alone, sustained by my faith in you, and my bad drinking habits.

(Janos walks to the balcony.)

Raziel: And the other nine, why didn't their guardianship sustain them?

(Janos thinks for a moment, then responds.)

Janos: I don't know.

(He gazes out across the landscape, recounting the vampire history, and going over his grocery list.)

Janos: Our race dwindled, while humans spread like freaking rabbits. I have watched as our history became myth, and finally faded all together.

The humans have forgotten us, thinking were some Saturday morning dribble, and have claimed the pillars for themselves - ignorant of their purpose.

To them, I am a devil, and a giant bird; the origin of their lawyer 'plaque'.

(Raziel is confused as hell by this.)

Raziel: Why would the pillars choose those idiots, if they were meant to be served by vampires?

(Janos and Raziel stand together at the balcony, looking at a cow that arguing with an octopus, Janos continues.)

Janos: The pillars choose their guardians through the lottery, Raziel - and there is no more lottery.

This is the crux of our dilemma.

And this is the terrible irony - with their vampire purge and bad music, the Circle have assaulted the very ones they are sworn to body-guard.

They have embarked on a path of drunkenness and stupidity. With every vampire they kill, they are slowly screwing themselves over, royally.

(The two watch as the cow begins to fight with karate against the octopus.)

Janos: They know I'm up hear, out of their reach.

(He points and laughs at some Sarafan trying to catapult one another to the balcony, only to smash against the cliff face.)

Janos: You can see how they place their kill about to torment me... or perhaps to lure me out.

They have some stupid theory that killing me will somehow end our bloodline and hopefully the mimes too.

Thankfully, we have no relations to mimes.

Raziel: I have seen them building their forces in the village, below.

Janos: Yes, I don't what their up, but I fear our time is short.

Raziel: They have brought you nothing but misery and thousands of free AOL discs.

You must hate them.

Janos: They fear what they don't understand and despise what they can't understand.

But no - I do not hate them.

Raziel: Vorador does.

Janos: He's been through a lot, what with the divorce and occasional Jehovah's witness, he cannot forgive them.

Raziel: Should they be forgiven?

Janos: They are stupid, and easily manipulated.

(Raziel considers this, then responds. Meanwhile, the cow has pulled out a rocket launcher.)

Raziel: So it is true then, what Kain and Vorador have said, I really am sort of alcoholic, gambling messiah.

Janos: Gambling? No, messiah, perhaps, alcoholic, definitely.

(Janos thinks for a moment, looking at Raziel's appearance. The cow is now on the run, the octopus now controlling a Metal Gear.)

Janos: You probably already know this... you appear to have had your ass kicked.

(Janos turns back to the interior of the chamber. The cow finally defeats the octopus, blowing it up as Raziel turns to face Janos.)

Janos: The binding must be double checked, the pillars are the mixing bowl.

(Raziel finishes the line)

Raziel: The reaver is the mixer.

Janos: Yes.

(He opens a chest and reveals the reaver, presently like a holy relic.

Raziel feels confused. Each time he encountered the reaver, randomness followed, oh and the whole time/space distortion.

As bizarre as that was, nothing random happening seemed worse, which is weird.)

Raziel: The Reaver is here? Why do I feel nothing random?

(Janos lifts the blade and turns to offer it to Raziel.)

Janos: The most incredible weapon our sword smiths made.

They infused with vampiric energy, allowing it drain our enemies of their life blood, and it's almost impossible to beat in a drinking contest.

Blood Reaver voice: Damn straight!

(Raziel and Janos don't seem to have noticed that random thing.)

Raziel V.O: As Janos presented the blade, some sort of dread crept over me, that I needed an aspirin.

I was usually freaked out by the randomness, but since there wasn't any right now, I felt almost inclined to pick it up.

(Raziel refuses it before he almost touches it.)

Raziel: Please - take it away from me.

(Suddenly the sound of armored soldiers fills the hallways. Suddenly Raziel realizes that he had opened up the hole in the cliff before he gave up and used the elevator. He had unwittingly exposed Janos to the Sarafan.

Janos didn't seem to be too surprised.)

Janos: I was hoping they wouldn't show for at least another hour, I wanted to play a game of cards with you.

I fear you have been followed.

(Janos places his hands on Raziel, wanting to convey him safely from the Sarafan's reach.)

Raziel: Janos - No! I wanted to play a game of palace!

(Raziel's vision become dizzy and soon he's swept into another chamber.)

Raziel: My surroundings whirled around me worse than any hangover, and I found myself in another chamber, away from harm, but unable to save Janos. He had sacrificed his life to save mine.

The irony hit me like a bag full of wet cats, if I hadn't opened the way in, Janos wouldn't be in danger.

I could hear Janos offering them to a game of cards, that would buy him time.

It seemed he sent me into the fire shrine. If I could perhaps solve the puzzle, and imbue the reaver, maybe I could save him before someone wins, maybe even ask for a second game.

(Raziel turns and head into the main part of the chamber, he activates the chamber, after many screw ups and lots of cursing, he imbues the reaver.)

Raziel V.O: I plunged the reaver in and got some cheap fire power up, nothing as cool as the one in the original, but oh well, none of the enhancements were all that great in this game. Maybe now I could save Janos' ass before he's killed.

(Raziel unseals the door and races back to Janos' chamber, Janos is immobilized by Moebius' staff, the Sarafan have him pinned to the table.)

Sarafan Raziel: Think your so great, no one can play so well. Hold him!

(Savoring the moment, the Sarafan inquisitor raises his crude weapon? A giant spork? - Bringing it down violently, he rips open Janos' chest.

Janos: This isso random! Screams in pain

(Raziel reaches the room too late, he watches as the Sarafan Raziel reaches in and pulls out a heart, of which a numerous amount fill Janos' body, he hold it up triumphantly.)

Turel: Look at his icky heart, how cheaply animated it beats.

(Raziel is dumbfounded, not by what was said, but by how Janos has enough hearts in his chest make Link invincible. He is then shocked as the man turns and sees that it was he, his human Sarafan self, that has killed Janos.

Raziel and his human self lock eyes, both thinking 'what the hell?' before a random noise of a gong being rung rings all around and the room begins to shake.)

Dumah: The lousy cheat plans to bury us all!

Janos: Almost dead No the oven just blew up.

(He then shakes his leader of his trance)

Dumah: Raziel we must flee!

(Sarafan Raziel does not move.)

Dumah: Damn it, wait I know. Raziel look out, it's a swarm of Care bears!

Sarafan Raziel: HOLY CRAP RUN!

(He runs out of the chamber, but then pops his head back in.)

Sarafan Raziel: Remember the sword, and the beer in the fridge.

(The Rest of the Sarafan run out of the chamber, Raziel then leaps down to Janos and kneels next to him.)

Raziel: Forgive me; I'm sorry - I screw you over.

Janos: No, Raziel

Perhaps this was purpose to have my ass kicked by your past incarnation which I'll never really know, or at least mention in later games.

Raziel: While I just stand listen to your yammering.

Janos: Embrace your destiny Raziel

And beware of the Sarafan, they make you listen to PedXing poetry while they kill you! UGH!

Dies

(Raziel bows his head in sorrow, not only because Janos is dead, but also because he forgot to ask him for some money to get lunch. As the chamber is rocked by another tremor, the place falling apart, Raziel steps away from Janos' body, and walks to the balcony.)

Raziel V.O: As I stepped away from his body, I felt sorry for his insurance bill, which would blow through the roof after this, and a growing self-loathing. I now disregarded everything about my past and was now set on getting revenge for Janos, and taking back the last beer.

(Raziel had talked to himself too long and didn't notice the crumbling stone about to fall, it landed right next to him and took him off guard and he fell.)

Raziel: AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE! Wait a sec, I nearly forgot about my wings, I can just glide to -

SMACK!

(Raziel hit the frozen lake below and was knocked out, dumbass.)

Me: How was that? I can't believe it took me so long to get back to work on this, but fear not, I will be back really soon.

Please Review and I'll give all there fashionable coats.

Hippies: Fur is murder!

Me: It's not fur, it's made of Moebius.

Hippies: That's ok then.

The end, for now!


	8. Chapter 8: The final stupid showdown

1The Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver 2: Return of the Parody, final chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Monty Python, History of the World pt.1 or any other of the following gags, or other silliness that will appear.

Yes, dear viewers after such a long time, I have finally gotten around to the final installment in my Soul Reaver 2 parody, now Raziel's journey shall conclude, but don't fret, soon I shall begin on a Defiance parody, and there's are gonna be many more adventures for me to place Raziel in.

Now let's finish this.

Raziel climbed out from the frozen waters of the lake and pulled a fish that had swam into his cowl and tossed it back into the waters. He then began to walk away from the balcony where he had talked to Kain in the future era and head back through the village to leave this area, when suddenly two demons appeared.

Raziel: Wait, I thought they could only appear in the f-upped future?

Gas-demon: We've been expecting you, little red ridding hood...

Raziel: Uh, I'm Raziel, not little red

Demon: Oh, sorry to bother you then.

Raziel: So, these freaky morons were not merely the product of Nosgoth's corrupted future and loss of insurance. For here they were, hurtling back over five centuries to pursue me and collect frilly dresses.  
These creatures, I suspected, were minions of the idiotic forces that had hoped to control me. This was the tangible expression of their displeasure. These demons were unleashed as the penalty for my disobedience.

Demon: No one must know about our obsession with dresses

The demons attack Raziel, who uses a day old doughnut and two pieces of string to subdue the creatures.

Raziel: That was easy

He then continues into the canyons, but is once again halted by two Grey lightning Demons

Lightning demon: Do you really think you can get away with out secret? Uh, I mean save Nosgoth?

Second lightning demon: Let me enlighten you, poor Raziel, your cowl is out of style!

Raziel: Hey! Don't diss the cowl, bitch!

Raziel leaps into the air, suddenly a Matrix-style slow-mo effect takes over and Raziel flips over the first demon, grabs him by the head and twists sideways to kick the other in the face while snapping the others neck. Time returns to normal as he lands back on the ground.

He heads to the village with the silliest and most hard to pronounce name, when suddenly, Fred Durst, Julia Roberts and Bob Dole appear.

Fred Durst: There he is, the savior of Nosgoth!

Raziel is in a tight fight, but over comes by playing Fred's weakness, he's a total pussy, and kicks his ass, Julia is tougher, but by convincing her that an Oscar is hidden inside the save point, then blowing the building up, she is easily dispatched. Now only Bob is left.

Bob: Bob Dole will destroy you, Bob Dole hates evil blue vampire things that do stuff, Bob Dole, Bob Dole, Bob Dole...Bob Dole...Bob Dole...zzzZZZZZZZZ

Bob has fallen asleep from his bizarre speaking in the third person. Raziel shrugs and continues on. Just before he can exit the canyon past the small camp, a Black demon appears.

Black Demon: Yo, this be where you get off, ol' Razzy boy, and enter into a world of hurt, Beotch

Raziel: I don't think so.

Suddenly a stage appears out of nowhere and the Black Demon is dressed as 50 cent.

Black Demon: Rapping Yo, look at yourself you blue foo, I'm gonna be stepping on yoo!

I'm from the ghetto dimension and I be chilling in this here canyon about to lay you flat, foo!

All the sexy ladies be shaking while I come through and be kicking like kung fuu!

The horrendous rap ends, and then Raziel steps up, dressed like Snoop dog, yes, his hair slicked back and bradded and wearing shades with a sports shirt on.

Raziel: Hey hey hey, Razzidy diggidy in the house ya'll!

Rapping

Don't be a player hater

When you don't you know who you messin' with

Otherwise I'll have to bust a cap in your ass

if you don't step off, I'll have to start tessin' yo ass!

The even worse rapping causes the Black demon to commit suicide, as do all the pointless demons who just fight Raziel, so he continues to the other end of the swamp, but is stopped by another Black demon.

2nd Black Demon: You shall not pass!

Raziel: Is it me, or is that phrase getting a bit worn out.

He then whistles and a Balrog comes out of nowhere and wrestles with the demon, suddenly the two are killed by a random plot hole, that sucks them in.

Raziel: Haha!

Going into the subterranean chambers, Raziel must navigate an annoying climb, before swimming back into the elder's chamber.

Elder God: You have failed me, Raziel.

Raziel:

I wonder, Old One...  
Did you truly resurrect me, awaken me from to a naked chill? or were you simply _there_ when I awakened from my torment in the Abyss?  
I suspect you found me merely convenient. Dropped in your bowl by Kain, indestructible and sober for some reason. A durable and gullible tool for you to manipulate.  
This one thing I readily admit - I have been used by others time and again, and too drunk to remember them all. But always I seem to stray from their path... what is it about me, _Squid_, that makes me such an unreliable instrument?  
Why do I survive one trial after another... on and on in an endless succession of humiliating parodies and spoofs?  
It seems there is much more to my popularity, and my credibility, than I know.  
Perhaps more than _you_ know, as well...

EG: ...Uh, is the answer Blue?

Raziel: Nevermind...

A/N: And now, stupid ramblings of the Elder God

EG:

Monkey

You have failed, the 5th grade!

You are worthy, of a 10 at GothHooters!

The wheel of Fortune desires your participation, but it will never be happy.

Raziel: O.o

He exits the chamber and heads back to the Pillars, a sign says Train to Hell: Coming soon in 100

years. As Raziel prepares to leave, three of the most horrific beings teleport in - Matt Damon, Uwe Bowl and Paul Anderson

Raziel: You bastards, I though Edward took care of you vile creatures?

Uwe: He thinks he can change his destiny.

Paul: What a fool.

Matt: Matt Damon...

Uwe: Yes, and we shall bring Nosgoth to its knees with a live action Legacy of Kain film, with the Rock as Kain, and Owen Wilson as you!

Raziel: The horror!

Raziel uses his power of wit to overcome the mass of stupidity, first by reminding Uwe he's retired, who then implodes from the paradox, then convinces Paul that he's really a bird, who, being an idiot, believes this and jumps off the top of tree.

Paul: I can fly!

He hits the ground and somehow ends up on the cast of the Real World, he deserves that. As for Matt, Raziel merely points to a ball of twine and Matt turns into a poodle and explodes.

Raziel: Ok, that's quite enough with the randomness.

Or so he thought.

As he enters the path to the lake where the frozen doors to Strong Hold are, Raziel sees a bizarre spectacle.

Raziel: What's this sign say? 'Come one, come all, to the Inquisition'?

Suddenly a Sarafan knight walks up to a stage, while several others stand behind in cloaks. A large crowd of humans are watching from a large platform of seats. Sarafan Raziel will be known as S. Raziel

Knight: Ladies and Gentlemen, The Inquisition!

Malek walks up in a cloak, removes the hood and begins to sing.

All pay heed! Now enters his holiness, Raziel , the Grand Inquisitor of the Sarafan Inquisition.  
Raziel - do not implore him for compassion.  
Raziel - do not beg him for forgiveness.  
Raziel - do not ask him for mercy.Let's face it - you can't talk him outta anything!

_S. Raziel and his lackeys singing..._

The Inquisition (Let's begin)  
The Inquisition (Look out sin)  
We have a mission to destroy the vampires (vamp, vamp, vamp, vamp, vamp, vamp, vamp)  
We're gonna teach them wrong from right.  
We're gonna help them see the light  
and make an offer that they can't refuse. (That those vamps just can't refuse)  
Go back to hell, don't be boring.  
Say your prayers, don't be dull.  
A fact you're ignoring:  
It's better to lose your body than your soul  
The Inquisition (what a show)  
The Inquisition (here we go)  
We know you're wishin' that we'd go away.  
But the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay!

_Cut to two old vampires hanging by their wrists who start talking to each other_

"I was sitting in my castle. I was minding my own business.  
I was enjoying a lovely bloody bass.  
Then these armored dolts plundered and they throw me in a dungeon and they shove a red hot poker up my ass.  
Is that considerate? Is that polite?  
And not a tube of Preparation H in sight!"

"I'm sittin' flickin' humans and I'm lookin' through the pickins' and suddenly these ugly golloms pull down walls.  
I didn't even know them and they grabbed my by the scrotum and started playing ping pong with my balls!  
Ooh, the agony! Ooh, the shame!  
To make my privates public for a game?"

_Back to S. Raziel and his lackeys singing..._

The Inquisition (what a show)  
The Inquisition (here we go)  
We know you're wishin' that we'd go away.  
But the Inquisition's here and it's here to-

_Someone calls over to S. Raziel while in the middle of a routine ..._

"Hey Torquemada, walk this way."  
"I just got back from the Auto-de-fe."  
"Auto-de-fe? What's an Auto-de-fe?"  
"It's what you oughtn't to do but you do anyway."

_S. Raziel speaks to a row of captured vampires_

Will you go back to hell? "No, no, no, no."  
Will you stop hurting people? "No, no, no, no."  
Will you let us join a poker game? "No, no, no, no."  
Will you say yes? "No, no, no, no!"  
Now I asked in a nice way, I said, "Pretty please."  
I bent their ears, now I'll work on their knees!

_Someone calls over to S. Raziel again ..._

"Hey Raziel, walk this way.  
We got a little game that you might wanna play,  
so pull that handle, try your luck."  
"Who knows, Raz, you might win a buck!"

_S. Raziel, spins a huge slot machine, with vampires in place of the cherries, lucky 7's, etc. on the slot wheel. It comes up a winner, and gold starts pouring out of the machine. S. Raziel leans over to a flunky and says, "Put it in the car..."_

"How we doin', any more vampires today?"  
"Not a one, nay, nay, nay."  
"We flattened their fingers, we branded their buns!  
Nothing is working! Send in the sorceresses!"

_A bunch of sorceresses appear surrounding a pool of water. They shad their suits to reveal bathing suits, dive into the pool, and perform an old-style aquatic musical number. Some vampires are seen shooting down slides and into the water. The sorceresses surround the vampire, who are burning from the water, and pull them under water. Than the rest of the cast joins for the big chorus line at the end of the song.._

The Inquisition, what a show.  
The Inquisition, here we go.  
We know you're wishin' that we'd go away! So all you Demons and you Vampires  
We got big news for all of yous:  
You'd better stop your bloodlust and binge drinking TODAY!  
'Cause the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay!

The song ends and everyone, even Raziel can't help but applaud, Kain and Vorador are watching from atop the mountain and whistle for the performance, even the Elder God is clapping with a his tentacles. Then Malek steps up to the center stage again.

Malek: Thank, the Sarafan Inquisition everyone.

Raziel: That was really random, and poorly parodied from the movie, but hey, not bad. I give that performance, a 3 out 5.

Raziel then sneaks in and finds a clean path, it seems that all the knights are tired from the big number. He enters the room with the Reaver, alone, with a dead midget.

Raziel V.O:

Suddenly and randomly, I found the reaver, and a dead midget, suspiciously laid across my path.

Again I sensed nothing of that 'temporal distortion', the randomness I felt when I found the reaver in William's chapel.

Cornered here with the blade, I suffered the same randomless dread when Janos offered me the blade.

I felt repelled by the dead midget, but overwhelmingly compelled to pick up the reaver, and poke him with it.

The doors open behind Raziel and he turns to see Moebius and the Sarafan Malek, cutting off his exit. He tries to summon the wraith blade but Moebius' staff makes causes it to disappear with a farting noise. Moebius is now acting more, evil, instead of wimpy and stupid - Moebius is cold, somewhat focused, but still a wussy.

Moebius: So Raziel, here we are finally.

You have no choice but to face me, and I am not as much a wussy I let you believe.

We have a parody to conclude.

Raziel: You knew I would lead the Sarafan right to Janos, so they could steal the last beer, oh and the reaver.

Moebius laughs

Raziel: My destiny is an amusement to you?

Moebius: No, I'm remembering this time Nuraptor accidentally mind read Ariel and revealed that she was on a diet, and she kicked his ass.

Raziel: Sighs If we can please get to the point...

Moebius: Oh yes, of course.

"Did you think you could change history, blah-blah-blah, I'm a time-streamer, yada yada, and all that crap."

Raziel advances on Moebius

Moebius: I think not, butch, do not let this creature leave.

Malek steps in front of Raziel, his pike ready.

Malek: I told you not to call me that outside in public.

Suddenly screams can be heard and Vorador's laughs.

Vorador: In the distance Call your decorators, they can feast upon the horrendous paint job I've done!

Malek turns to go help, but Moebius stops him.

Malek: Lord Moebius, Vorador is ruining the decor again, oh, and he's also killing a few members of the circle.

Moebius: Hold fast, Malek.

This creature is the real threat, besides, I heard him call you a pansy for wearing armor.

Raziel backs up to basin holding the reaver.

Raziel: What are you trying to do?

Moebius: You toxic creature, did you think I'd allow you to run loose, causing randomness all over?

Raziel: I admit it's been a weird parody all throughout, and that I underestimate your weirdness, a mistake I won't repeat.

Raziel grabs onto the hilt of the Reaver. Moebius slowly backs up, he's been waiting for this to happen.

Moebius: Wrong again, blue boy!

Moebius and Malek back out and leave the room.

Moebius: Now Malek, bolt the door, then come to my room.

Malek: Sighs

The door is blocked, Raziel tries to get through but can't. He then contemplates the physical reaver now in his grip.

Raziel V.O: Using his staff to bitch up my reaver, Moebius had disarmed me, well, took away the weapon I used more often than my claws, leaving me with one choice of weapon.

And yet it wasn't my lack of options, but blind stupidity that I grabbed this reaver, and not the dead midget. My hand now held the reaver with a grip that would make a vice blush, and I felt a tingling of the wraith blade trying to reach it's physical twin, that or my watch was starting to work again.

Raziel exits the room and enters the courtyard, where he encounters Melchiah and Zephon, their Sarafan selves had been sent to stop him.

Zephon: Come to get that last beer, demon?

Melchiah: Back to hell with you, finders keepers!

Suddenly a weird slow mo effect happened.

Raziel V.O: I recognized these two idiots as my former brethren, in life as Sarafan jackasses, and in unlife, as Kain's vampire 'sons', Melchiah and Zephon, the most moronic of Kain's brood. These twits had no idea what lay in store for them, that they would turn into really ugly bastards, oh and become what they hated most.

The reaver began to vibrate, which sounds kinda dirty, but feel actually a little nice, Janos said it was like a vampire it sucked blood and could binge drink, I was eager to see what it would do to these two.

Raziel begins to fight the two Sarafan.

Raziel: Melchiah, behind you, a sexy lady!

Melchiah: Where? I knew this new toupee would fetch me some ladies!

Raziel stabs him in the back.

Zephon: Ha! You won't trick me that easily!

Raziel: Look, pudding!

Zephon: Where?

Raziel chops his head off, candy shots out like a fountain.

Raziel: O.o

Ok, that was weird.

Raziel stands over the dead Sarafan.

Raziel V.O: As the two idiots fell before my blade, I could fell the reaver's blood-thirst and desire to drink as keenly as ever when I was still a vampire, blah blah blah, reaver and me work together, it made me invincible.

Man, I do talk too much.

Melchiah: Tell me about it.

Raziel: Hey, your supposed to be dead!

Melchiah: OH yeah!

XX

Raziel then proceeds to the sanctuary, where he sees Rahab and Dumah playing rock, paper, scissors

Rahab: Ha! I win, you have to wash Moebius' back tonight!

Dumah: Dammit!

Suddenly they see Raziel, and get into attacking stances.

Dumah: Have you come to reclaim the monster's black heart?

Rahab: You'll have to get through us first.

Raziel V.O: Rahab and Dumah confronted me next, the I realized this was all so well put together, then forgot, then remembered again, I was the one who killed these morons and put them in their tomb. Thus providing Kain with the bodies with which to raise his vampire sons, and best poker buddies.

Rahab: Ready?

Dumah: Yep.

The two do the fusion dance.

Dumah and Rahab: Fu-sion-ha!

They merge into one, creating a mass of great stupidity.

Merged idiots: Now we're Duhab! No wait, Ramah! Damab?

The energy that is their stupidity causes a shockwave throughout the room. Raziel throws a bagel at them, they split back into their separate selves and die instantly.

Raziel: That was really weird.

He enters into the Choir of the Sanctuary where he encounters an even greater idiot, Turel, his former second-in-command.

Turel: Back to the pit you crawled from, demon!

Raziel: The abyss, screw that place, it's dark and the decor sucks!

He then does another voice-over, he really loves them doesn't he?

Raziel V.O: And here was my brother Turel, who along with Dumah would throw me into the abyss. A jackass and a stockholder of Batman & Robin, even as a vampire, I guess you stay an idiot even when you die.

The vampire Turel had eluded my vengeance, the Sarafan Turel, would not.

Raziel takes out a giant pencil.

Raziel: I'm really gonna enjoy this!

Turel: Hey wait! Please, No, no, NOOOOOOOOOO!

The Screams echo throughout and when we return, Turel is in a shape too horrible to describe. Raziel then makes his way to the next room. He enters into the Chapter and finally comes face to face with his former Sarafan self. The doors are locked and the Inquisitor Raziel regards the demon with disdain, unaware that it is his future self, dumbass.

Sarafan Raziel: So vampire, here we are.

You've killed my brethren with randomness, and now you've come for me? You'll find I'm not so easily taken by weirdness.

Raziel: I don't want to kill you, but if I must, so be it.

Return the heart and the beer and I will not hurt you.

S. Raziel: So you've come to avenge that lousy cheat, and reclaim his beer and heart?

You're a righteous fiend aren't you.

Raziel: Takes one to know one.

S. Raziel: No vampire, this is were the randomness ends, but you won't be leaving this room.

Now let's finish this, I'll be less random to you.

Raziel: As you did for Janos.

S. Raziel: No, that cheater had it coming to him, he eluded us for far too long.

It would have been a shame to kick his ass too quickly.

He keeps making an ass of himself, just like Raziel.

S. Raziel: It's amazing, the great 'Janos Audron' turned out to be no challenge at all, thanks to you, we beat his card dealing ways. Did you hear his screams, as I pulled a royal flush?

Raziel is really pissed, not because of the bad-mouthing of Janos, but because he realized he does talk too much, even when he was alive.

Raziel: That's it, it's time for me to teach myself a lesson!

He charges with the reaver while the Sarafan Raziel charges with a his spork. The two clash and begin a major battle of random proportions, each time the Reaver and Spork clash, a cow explodes, and when a blow is landed on one of the fighters, George Lucas remakes Star Wars again. After eight minutes of randomness, including a sudden appearance of Steven Segal, the fight concludes and Raziel impales his former self on the reaver.

Raziel: I renounce you!

S. Raziel: Gag Hack Wheeze Sputter

Raziel: Oh just die already!

Kicks his former self off the reaver.

Raziel: And so it ends, the parody comes full circle.

The Wraith blade flickers back in with a dark bark and begins to twirl on the physical reaver while J-Lo music plays.

Raziel V.O: Sensing it's twin, the wraith blade uncoiled from my arm and embraced it's physical twin. And it left me, I felt hurt, no one likes me, but then, before I could cry like a little bitch, I sensed danger, and this time it wasn't the fan-girls.

The joined Reavers turn on Raziel, he tries to fight this overwhelming randomness, as the Reaver hisses and farts while vibrating worse than Zephon's 'toy'. Raziel is powerless against this.

Raziel V.O: With all other foes defeated, the conjoined blades turned on me, their randomness more powerful than any other. And I realized why I sensed nothing random when Janos offered the blade to me. The reaver was dull when it was made...

The Reaver plunges into Raziel with a cow mooing noise, and his eyes widen in agony and recognition.

Raziel V.O: ... The random and soul devouring entity in the blade, was and always had been, me!

This is why it made that cool explosion when Kain brought down on my head - the reaver could not devour it's own randomness. The paradox shattered the blade.

So this was my destiny, to be sucked into sword, go insane and become a random being that would repeat this fate for all eternity, this sucked!

Raziel falls to his knees, tries to remove the blades, which is just making lots of incoherent sounds and noises while it drains Raziel into itself. Kain reveals himself, he's been playing Nintendogs in the shadows of the Chapel house. Raziel sees him and believes to have been betrayed, he accuses Kain of causing all this randomness.

Raziel: YOU!

Raziel struggles to not loose to the reaver.

Raziel: In pain Are you enjoying this, Kain?

Kain doesn't respond.

Raziel: Uh, Kain?

Kain still doesn't respond.

Raziel: KAIN!

Kain: Oh! Sorry!

Uh, don't fight it, Raziel...

Give in to it...

Raziel: Was this the destiny you had planned for me all along, to be sucked into a sword that makes farting noises?

Kain: Not quite, but anyway, Trust me...

Raziel's strength begins to fade, he starts to collapse.

Raziel V.O: I felt myself weakening, unable to hold back against the randomness. The Reaver was too strong, the compulsion to let go to randomness, too great.

As Raziel begins to surrender to the reaver, which has turned hot pink and singing Hillary Duff, a distortion occurs. Raziel begins to have a revelation.

Raziel V.O: And then a growing sense of vertigo and that weird distortion crap, the moment of randomness when my soul hovered in and out of the sword. This was the moment Kain had waited for, this was the temporal distortion, the drunken moment in time in which Kain had gambled his mother for.

Kain yanks the reaver out of Raziel's's chest.

Raziel: Screams like a bitch

Kain: Now you are free to reclaim your true destiny, Raziel.

History begins to back up and drive over the road bump that is this new obstruction in history, and the room warps, a cow explodes, chickens write the 7th Harry Potter and someone actually likes William Shatner's music. As history alters itself, a dawning horror appears on Kain's face, he has realized he really bitched up history.

Raziel V.O: Behind Kain's eyes, I could new randomness blooming and dying, as history tried to shuffle board itself into a better course around this monumental obstruction.

And I could that perhaps we had pushed history too far this time, gotten it too drunk.

By trying to alter my fate, we have introduced, a fatal paradox.

History begins to settle down as the shuffling ends, but Kain is still scared by the new horrors for saving Raziel from his current randomness.

Kain: My god... The Hylden...

We walked right into their trap, now my plans for that Condo are ruined!

Kain grabs Raziel and tries to warn him.

Kain: Raziel! Janos must stay dead!

But Raziel fades into the spectral realm, meanwhile, Jonny Osmund returns from the pits of hell and attacks a ducks.

Raziel V.O: But Kain's warning was lost as I slipped into the spirit realm, worn out from the randomness. And there waiting for me as always, was the reaver, the wraith blade, my own weird soul, duct-taped to my arm for all eternity. And I realized I could never escape my terrible destiny, I would always be in a parody, but I had merely eluded more parodies for now.

Randomness abhors a paradox

Me: Finally, I am finished, after such a long time, I completed this fiction, now I'll move right on to finishing my Blood Omen 2 fiction and start on a Defiance one too.

Raziel: You vile bastard!

Me: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now please review and I will give you all a mega-ultra-doom pencil of randomness, with laser guided chicken launcher and an popcorn dispenser. Plus Moebius in a jar!

Moebius: HELP ME!

Please Read and Review, see ya all later!


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